I've decided to switch focus on this blog. Rather than rant and rave about the things that piss me off, I'm going to turn this into a blog of personal discovery. So we'll see how it goes.
Over the last several months I've found myself in a bit of a manic state. There are times where I'm on top of the world and life is good. Then there are times (mostly these) where it's not so great and all I want to do is grab a bottle of wine (or whiskey) and cry. I've only recently been willing to admit this to myself much less anyone else. This routine needs to change. It's not healthy for my job, my friendships or, most importantly, my marriage. Let me go on record that things haven't always been like this. I love writing, reading, gaming, spending time with my wife, hiking, running, cycling, and working. But lately, the only thing I want to do is sit on the couch and go into a semi-catatonic state, and I HATE that because it isn't me. I'm the person that is ALWAYS doing or learning something.
I love to work. There is nothing like the thrill of being deep into a project when everything is lining up and all is right with the world. Let's call it a hum. The hum inside starts and you can go on forever. Over time, the "hum" became me and I was the "hum." I stayed so busy at work and when I got home, I'd work. I'd keep going until I couldn't anymore and then I'd sleep. The level of productivity in my life was staggering, but that's no way to live. Everyone needs downtime, especially my wife.
One day I left work, exhausted after yet another 12 hour day of feeling like nothing was accomplished. It was Friday and I wanted to ask my boss if I could come in Saturday so I could get caught up. But I knew in the back of my mind it would only be temporary because I had fallen in a perpetual state of being behind. I was behind in my supervisor duties because my days have been so consumed with answering questions from my team and other teams, scrambling to respond to emails timely, getting my duties handled, and figuring out to get my team more engaged. Suddenly, 12 hours wasn't even enough to get done what I needed to get done. How is it not enough for me but everyone else in my position was only working 8-9 hours a day? What was I doing wrong? Where had I failed and others succeeded? My mind decided to switch focus from these questions to how long I had been in this cycle. I couldn't remember. Was I having fun anymore? No, not really. The timing for this was the worst because I was still reeling from having discussions with my supervisor and the manager of the department looking for answers on what happened the month before (me and my whole team were extremely stressed and almost missed deadlines. WORST.LEADER.EVER).
After much reflection I came to the conclusion that I was in burnout mode, more than I had been since leaving my previous job. This was a huge revelation. How the hell could this happen? I have what I considered a dream job, I get to help people. But I didn't love it anymore and I didn't know why. I settled on the fact that I wasn't getting to do the things that I wanted to because I was so bogged down with other things. I admitted to one of my colleagues this fact and they knew, I didn't need to say anything. Fuck, how could I have been so blind. I'm so conscious of everything I do, how did I NOT see this? Like I tell my team, it doesn't matter right now, we need to focus on how to fix it, then we can focus on figuring out how to prevent it in the future. This is part of my fixing and prevention.
I'm going to document the process of rising above burnout, the resources I used to help me, and ultimately I'll use this to put together a general guide to help others that are in this situation whether it's work related burnout, home related burnout or whatever. I made the mistake of not documenting the process of changing my mental perspective from angry, self-loathing individual to the mellow loving person I am now and I regret it. I'm glad I put in the work to re-program myself but it doesn't help anyone else.
So here goes nothing. My intention is to write a post at least twice a week documenting what I've done to help the situation. My first objective is to come up with a 1 month and 3 month plan. This is going to include daily and weekly activities that will be my LAW until it becomes as regular as breathing. I'll post the articles I've read, summarize books that I'm reading, and include all the tools that I'm using to help with this. I know this is going to be a lengthy process and I don't expect anything to change overnight I just know something needs to change, because this is killing me. Until next time...
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