Update from the previous month

I started with the intention of providing daily updates on progress to document my journey and obviously I fell off a bit. However, this has been an extremely productive and exciting month. Over the past several weeks I went through a lot of the leadership articles and several burnout and stress related articles that I'm still going through. Once I have a solid list of tips and tricks I'll be sure to post them. Bear in mind there is A LOT of information to go through.

Probably one of the most eye-opening things I've done is go through the book "Leadership and Self-Deception" by the Arbinger Institute. It's a book that deals with issues that most people (leaders or not) deal with on a regular basis. The first part of the book primarily deals with identifying people with this "Deception" problem. I'm going to give my take on it but I HIGHLY recommend you read through this at least twice so you can get the most benefit. I've provided the link below.

Leadership and Self-Deception

The first time I read through it I found that it focused primarily on seeing people as people with dreams, thoughts and goals rather than objects meant to produce numbers. "That doesn't apply to me, my people know how much they mean to me and I'm always mindful of that" was my reaction in addition to thinking how stupid it was that I was reading it. However, the more I got into it I found that some of the things may actually apply to me. Part of it identifies self deception as having to find justifications for your action or inaction which I'll admit I'm guilty of. The other part of helping to identify these things is if you have a tendency to blame others. In my head, I found that I have a tendency to blame other for my inability to accomplish things because of time constraints or questions when in reality it has to do with the me not training them or telling them they have the authority to make certain decisions on situations. If someone has a question they need to research it first, then ask someone else on the team before bringing it to me. That's my understanding because that's just the way my brain works, but as I've been told before, not everyone thinks like me. So this begs the question, have I actually told my team this? If not, then I need to. Have I set guidelines on how certain situations need to be handled and how to proceed? If not, then I need to. This book was a HUGE eye opener for me. I have since implemented these things on my team and have seen a good amount of progress from it. Granted, I need to remind a few every now and again but it's not frequent. In fact, this book's theories were so (at least to me) revolutionary that I went through it a few more times and took good notes on the main points and stories related and will be putting together a training for my team and maybe the other leaders in my department. I CAN'T have been the only person that has encountered these things.


It all came to a head when I had a discussion with my department manager after working another 12 hour day. We had finished wrapping up everything from the previous month and I was giving him an update. He had proceeded to tell me that he just wish he'd have known sooner about the situation my team was in. Thousands of thoughts flooded my brain on how I could justify not knowing but I knew in my heart it was because I hadn't done my job. For the first time since I had been at the company, I had failed to excel or even succeed in doing the job I was being paid to do. The only move I had left was to apologize and told him I hoped he had a great weekend.The only thing I could do is get in my car and break down. Aside from a death in the family the last time that happened was when I realized the rage in my previous life had pushed away everyone I held dear.


One of the main expectations that I have my team is to be honest with me (obviously) but mostly to be honest with themselves. If they're overwhelmed, burned out, stressed, frustrated, behind in their work, they need to admit this to themselves and me so I can get them the help they need. I realized that I was being a hypocrite. This is what I expected of them but I wasn't doing this for me. Once I started being honest with myself about my situation I was flooded with emotions. "How did I not see this?" "Why didn't I do anything sooner?" "I've failed those that I look up to and I've failed those that look up to and depend on me." "If I can allow something like this to happen, how can I possibly deserve this position?" These questions and thousands more entered my brain, it was like a dam broke and all the negativity that I thought I had eliminated came pouring back with exponential force.

The more I read and the more research I did the more I realized that I needed to be honest about my situation and I needed to analyze it. The core of my being exists to help others. I never considered the toll that it takes on me, I give and give and give. The more I analyzed the past several months the more things became clearer. I didn't see it because my focus wasn't on me (per usual), it was on getting my team where they needed to be. It was on trying to help two friends repair their marriage through all the pent up issues they both have. It was attempting to reconnect with family and through all that trying to put energy into my marriage. I had mentally spread myself entirely too thin. My focus was on so many different things that I never stopped to consider the impact it had on me.

Once I was honest with myself it was overwhelming and reassuring at the same time. It was overwhelming because I knew I had a lot of work to get back to normalcy but reassuring because I realized that a lot of the negativity I had wasn't created by others (my team, my supervisors) it was all in my head. I've conquered my own brain before and I can do it again. The more I thought about the next step the more it nauseated me. I knew that I needed to be honest with my supervisors. I had come to the realization that they weren't disappointed in me because of my failure to do the job (if they were they wouldn't have given me 4 new people). They were only concerned about my team and me, they person they put in charge of all of these important tasks.

The meetings I had with my supervisors was the most awkward I had in my life. I couldn't face them at the same time so I had to do it separately. I did this after I had identified the issues I was dealing with and my current plan on how to get back to normal. If I had done it beforehand it probably wouldn't have made any sense. I explained to them both what my situation was, the things I had identified as the problems, what I planned on doing to maneuver over this brick wall and said I'd give them updates as I had them. They both seemed relieved that I finally said something, I only assume it's because they knew something was up but didn't know how to help or approach it. I did make sure to include the bit about me feeling like I had failed them as a leader since that was more soul-crushing to me than just about anything else. They're reactions were very similar in that they assured me that wasn't the case and I was a valued member of the team. I left those meetings and felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I couldn't believe I had just done that and still had a job. I mean I could believe it because that's not the type of people my supervisors were and not the type of company I work for. If it were any other company I can tell you with a fair amount of confidence I'd have been walked out of the building as soon as the first meeting was over. This was weakness and they don't have time for that. Scratch that, it wasn't weakness, it was vulnerability.  

I created a plan. Keep in mind this plan is going to change as I go through it. This is just my preliminary thoughts as I'm going through things. Also, I recognize, much like re-wiring your brain, this isn't going to be an easy or a quick process. The articles I've read said this could take anywhere between 6 and 18 months and the longer the better because it's more likely to stick.

Phase 1: Identifying the problem
1. Analyze how it got to this point. What lies did I tell myself that contributed to it? What prevented me from being focused on recharging myself?
2. What "truths" am I telling myself that aren't contributing to my recovery? How can I re-frame these "truths" to something that's accurate and also contributes to recover?
3. What are you trying to accomplish and why?
4. What happens if you stop trying to accomplish and pour your focus into something else?

Phase 2: Renewal
1. Create habits that assist in recovery. Do SOMETHING daily that makes you happy. It need to be something that makes you genuinely happy, not feel accomplished. Being happy is a way to fuel your soul, accomplishments fuel your ego and at this point your soul is more important.
2. Since you've identified the problem, put your focus in how to alleviate the issues that cause the problem. In my instance it was a lack of time due to an abundance of questions from my team. So I created a process for them to follow that requires them to rely on their team rather than me.
3. Get a mentor, accountability buddy, someone that you're comfortable with and can talk to openly and honestly about whatever the issue is and someone that will help you through this process, even if it's just listening to you and letting you work through the problem on your own.
4. More good stuff to come.

Phase 3: Changing your thought process
to be determined

Phase 4: Maintenance
to be determined

This is all I have for the time being. I hope to have more great information on a regular basis.

11/18 update

Well today went surprisingly well. Started off with an early morning meeting. After that I got to spend pretty much the entire day with my team, helping them with issues and strategizing additional initiatives I want to roll out. I wasn't able to get much taken care of in the way of productivity but I think some days are just going to be like that: sacrifice a little productivity for some quality time with my team and honestly I think that's more important than marking something else off my "to-do" list. At the end of the day (Fuck I hate that cliche), what matters the most is investing time and knowledge in my team. Thankfully nothing negative to report which I couldn't me more thrilled about. I sure hope this trend continues.

Until next time.

11/16 update

Today I woke up with a sense of hope. Hope that things were looking up and I KNEW I was going to pull myself out of this. That didn't last long. I got to work with emails from the department manager asking for updates on three separate issues I had delegated out to be worked on, and they hadn't. One of which came through when I was helping someone on my team with an issue and another leader took care of it. I'm not placing blame on anyone but myself, but fucking hell can I catch a break?!?!

At this point I'm fighting against the current and just want to let go, but I can't, I won't. I'm not built for failure I'm built for success. I just have to climb this mountain and it'll be just fine. The only thing I need is a plan of attack.

1. Wake your ass up. Don't hit snooze and get back in bed. What's that extra 30 min of sleep REALLY getting you?

2. Better prioritization of time. Touch emails once and file away. Touch projects once and done.

3. Stop deceiving yourself. If you know it's something that needs to be done. Don't question it, don't put it off. Just fucking do it. If you need help, ask. If you can delegate, do it!

4. When you make a personal rule. There is no wiggle room, stick to it, otherwise you're wasting your time and energy.

Final daily update: the rest of the day went fairly well. I settled on the fact that I've fallen down as of late by getting in this rut and my primary focus needs to be getting my head in a good place before things get crazy in January. I need to do this for myself, my team and my career. While going through all this I can't lose sight of improving my marriage.

Phase 1: Acknowledge change is necessary

I've decided to switch focus on this blog. Rather than rant and rave about the things that piss me off, I'm going to turn this into a blog of personal discovery. So we'll see how it goes.

Over the last several months I've found myself in a bit of a manic state. There are times where I'm on top of the world and life is good. Then there are times (mostly these) where it's not so great and all I want to do is grab a bottle of wine (or whiskey) and cry. I've only recently been willing to admit this to myself much less anyone else. This routine needs to change. It's not healthy for my job, my friendships or, most importantly, my marriage. Let me go on record that things haven't always been like this. I love writing, reading, gaming, spending time with my wife, hiking, running, cycling, and working. But lately, the only thing I want to do is sit on the couch and go into a semi-catatonic state, and I HATE that because it isn't me. I'm the person that is ALWAYS doing or learning something.

I love to work. There is nothing like the thrill of being deep into a project when everything is lining up and all is right with the world. Let's call it a hum. The hum inside starts and you can go on forever. Over time, the "hum" became me and I was the "hum." I stayed so busy at work and when I got home, I'd work. I'd keep going until I couldn't anymore and then I'd sleep. The level of productivity in my life was staggering, but that's no way to live. Everyone needs downtime, especially my wife.

One day I left work, exhausted after yet another 12 hour day of feeling like nothing was accomplished. It was Friday and I wanted to ask my boss if I could come in Saturday so I could get caught up. But I knew in the back of my mind it would only be temporary because I had fallen in a perpetual state of being behind. I was behind in my supervisor duties because my days have been so consumed with answering questions from my team and other teams, scrambling to respond to emails timely, getting my duties handled, and figuring out to get my team more engaged. Suddenly, 12 hours wasn't even enough to get done what I needed to get done. How is it not enough for me but everyone else in my position was only working 8-9 hours a day? What was I doing wrong? Where had I failed and others succeeded? My mind decided to switch focus from these questions to how long I had been in this cycle. I couldn't remember. Was I having fun anymore? No, not really. The timing for this was the worst because I was still reeling from having discussions with my supervisor and the manager of the department looking for answers on what happened the month before (me and my whole team were extremely stressed and almost missed deadlines. WORST.LEADER.EVER).

After much reflection I came to the conclusion that I was in burnout mode, more than I had been since leaving my previous job. This was a huge revelation. How the hell could this happen? I have what I considered a dream job, I get to help people. But I didn't love it anymore and I didn't know why. I settled on the fact that I wasn't getting to do the things that I wanted to because I was so bogged down with other things. I admitted to one of my colleagues this fact and they knew, I didn't need to say anything. Fuck, how could I have been so blind. I'm so conscious of everything I do, how did I NOT see this? Like I tell my team, it doesn't matter right now, we need to focus on how to fix it, then we can focus on figuring out how to prevent it in the future. This is part of my fixing and prevention.

I'm going to document the process of rising above burnout, the resources I used to help me, and ultimately I'll use this to put together a general guide to help others that are in this situation whether it's work related burnout, home related burnout or whatever. I made the mistake of not documenting the process of changing my mental perspective from angry, self-loathing individual to the mellow loving person I am now and I regret it. I'm glad I put in the work to re-program myself but it doesn't help anyone else.

So here goes nothing. My intention is to write a post at least twice a week documenting what I've done to help the situation. My first objective is to come up with a 1 month and 3 month plan. This is going to include daily and weekly activities that will be my LAW until it becomes as regular as breathing. I'll post the articles I've read, summarize books that I'm reading, and include all the tools that I'm using to help with this. I know this is going to be a lengthy process and I don't expect anything to change overnight I just know something needs to change, because this is killing me. Until next time...