Change

In the past 4 months so much has changed I'm not even sure where to begin. COVID-19 aka the coronavirus has taken over the world while the US can't seem to collectively understand the actual danger of being out in public and not wearing protective gear because "freedom" and it's all a Democratic hoax while they're putting others at great risk. In the midst of all this, a white police officer essentially murdered a black man due to putting his body weight's pressure on the back of his neck and protests/riots of sparked up all around the world crying out for police brutality to end.

On a personal level, things seem to be getting better exponentially. In the past year, my wife and I have 100% paid off both of our vehicles, student loans and credit cards. In the coming year, we (hopefully) will have found a house we love and have enough in the bank to be able to pay it off. Then, at 36, we will have finally reached our dream of being debt free. Beyond that, we'll figure it out but as it sits right now, we're laser focused on making that a reality. 

Work is going well, I'm getting great reviews from my boss and we've got our annual department survey coming up that will give me anonymous feedback from my team, which I'm pretty excited about cause I feel like my team is in a really good spot. We're in month 3 of working from home, which is really weird because it doesn't feel like it's been that long. Not really sure when we're going to be back in the office and I'm ok with that. As long as I don't have to go to work and be fearful that I'm going to get sick and die or that I"m going to pass it on to my mom then I'm happy. 

I've taken up woodburning, which is a little different than anything I've done before. I'm not great at it but with time I feel I can get pretty good. Just wanted to post a quick update on where I'm at. 

My mom got great news in her last chemo appointment. They're recommending her to have chemo every 6 weeks rather than every 3 meaning the cancerous area is shrinking!!

That's all I've got for now. Until next time... stay safe, stay humble, stay true.

Anniversary Week

2.5
It was one year ago today that my mom was on one side of the hospital a couple floors up from my dad who was on the other end of the hospital awaiting transport back to the nursing home where he'd die two days later. She was getting a biopsy on her lung to determine if she had lung cancer. Well, we all know how that story ends. She has another chemo treatment next week that had to be rescheduled due to snow. Little did I know my life would be entirely different in one year.

2.7
So today hasn't exactly gone as planned. I had planned on getting up, getting some inspiration and working on getting some writing done. So far all I've managed to do is get high type a few words a couple hundred time and watch six episodes of "The Magicians," wash two loads of laundry, wash two loads of dishes. While it's not what I wanted I don't regret it.

2 9
Yesterday was quite a bit of fun. My wife and I took my mom to a local craft show. We were there for a good 4 hours or so and then we went to eat afterward. I think we were probably out later than we ever have. She ended up leaving our house around 9 and she usually wants to be gone before dark. She let me know that she really had a lot of fun. We really did enjoy our time there. I got me to thinking about a lot of things. I really miss my dad. Even though be was frustrating and infuriating at times. I know he loved me, I know he wouldn't want me hurting like this but I'm not left wiht many options that don't end up in me being a sociopath. For the past two months I've recounted where we were at in the process of the disaster that was my life for a year and half. Today is the day that I found out my uncle had a heart attack. In the next four days I'll have not only finalized my mothers will, had my dad cremated, spoke at my dad's funeral, and ended up taking our dog to the vet because her heartworm medicine and it almost killed her. She spent the next three days on dialysis getting the medicine out of her system so it'll hopefully not scar her bran more than it already had.

On the plus side, I've started working on my btrilogy. I'm  starting with moving some things around. Rather than starting with Bag of Malice I'm going to begin the series with "Heart of Malice" and I'm working on getting the character and stories outlined so I have more of a roadmap to get where I want to go with it rather than winging it and hoping for the best. Also, I've decided that rather than  forcing myself to stick with traditional publishing I'm just going to self publish and continue to go that route and see what happens. I'm going to pour myself in work like I used to and maybe, just maybe, I'll get something done.

Until next time. .

2020 Vision

Goal list for 2020:

1. Fully outline and draft "Bag of Malice"
2. Fully outline "Heart of Malice"
3. Fully outline "Abyss"
4. Fully outline "TBD Leadership book"
5. Drop at least 50 lbs
6. Lower my cholesterol to a relatively safe level if not a totally safe level
7. Purchase and pay off our house
8. Sell the current house
9. Ramp up our retirement fund from 5% to 10% (maybe higher if doable)

Now it's a matter of figuring out how exactly I'm going to accomplish all of it. What I do know is that I have 334 days, 48 weeks, 11 months.

I've downloaded and started using Scrivner to help organize my thoughts and writing into something that actually makes sense.

My wife and I have started making better choices with our food and eating out significantly less than we used to and we're cooking more regularly.

Now I know what my endgame is, I just need to make an individual plan for each of these to ensure I'm staying on track with my goals. 

Now let's make this shit happen!

1 month in

So we're 27 days into 2020. So much has changed but so much has stayed the same.

What doesn't kill you leaves you broken instead. If I heard anyone describe the previous year to me I'd look them dead in the eyes and ask, "How are you still breathing?" But when I look back I just shrug my shoulders as if it were nothing more than a minor inconvenience. Up until this point I don't think I've actually look at this situation from someone else's perspective. It is a miracle that my wife and I are still happily married and that I'm still standing and manage to smile even on my worst days. I thank my spectacularly amazing wife, my supportive family, my beyond loving friends, my wise mentor, and kick ass coworkers.

At this point I think I've spent enough time dwelling on and rehashing the past year. I've recently discovered a band called "Villain of the Story." In their song "Peace of Mind" there are a few lines that spoke to so loudly I almost broke down crying. "I'm done wasting away. This is the only way that I wll find, something near to happiness in this life. I can't remember that  had any peace of mind. I fought for this I bled for this. There is no turning back now. Finally I'm able to see the place I"m meant to be. I'm done wasting away."

That's where I'm at in this moment. Actually come to think about it there are so many songs that have really spoken to me this past year. Slipknot - Unsainted, Slipknot - The Devil in Me, NF - Paralyzed, NF -The Search, Godsmack - Bulletproof, Dream on Dreamer - Don't lose your heart, and so many more. If I continued I'd likely break 5000 words. Needless to say, music is a huge part of my life.

Day 2
For the past few days I've been re-watching "The Magicians" and so far I'm en joying it. I realize that it's nothing more than a distraction, just like all the video games. A distraction from work, from writing, from exercising, from everything. So I'm attempting to do some restructuring of my time. so that I prioritize the things that are important and de prioritize the unimportant things. This is how I intend on getting my goals achieved. This isn't really one of those new year new me things. I've taken the past 2 years worth of shit and came out the other end better than I've ever been. I feel like I've been owning it at work and have been more on point than I think I've ever been.

My mental state is less volatile to myself than it's ever been and as weird as it is, for the first time in my life I'm actually happier with myself than I've ever been in my life. Apparently accepting yourself is a huge milestone in life. I realize and have realized for the longest time that I'm capable of pretty much anything that I put my mind to. I just need to have enough discipline to be able to make that happen. What I know right now is that I'm done wasting time. I'm done sitting still. I'm ready to take off at Mach 3 with my hair on fire ready to bring that fire to the world.