This blog has presented a certain set of challenges and opportunities throughout the course. It started as a way for me to vent frustrations then a method to help deal with certain challenges I had at work. My vision for it hasn't changed but it's going to evolve more into a method of self-discovery.
I was talking to one of my team members yesterday and came to an interesting revelation about my personal life. We talked specifically about the comparisons between Chinese culture and American culture as it pertains to the relationship between children and their parents. On how in China, the parents push their kids to focus on school until they get their careers then afterward the kids take care of the parents. In America, once the kids move out they pretty much life lives separate from their parents.
The conversation digressed to weekend plans and I proceed to tell her about what I hoped to accomplish this weekend. She posed an interested question, "What do you do to relax?" Rather than giving her the standard answer of, "Writing, video games, etc..." I just said that I really don't for the most part. Mentally I feel like I always HAVE to be productive, otherwise the time is wasted and therefore I'm lazy for doing so. When I take some time to play video games or write or watch a movie my mind is sufficiently distracted. As soon as the distraction is done, I look at the time and think about everything I could have gotten done in that time. Then the guilt sets in. The guilt because I wasted my time doing whatever it was and wasn't doing what I knew I should. Whether that is reading a development book, cooking, laundry, yard work, cleaning, whatever, something that equates to some form of accomplishment. Her response was probably the most shocking. It was, "I couldn't live life if I was that way and didn't have any way to actually relax."
It got me to thinking about why I do this. I don't give myself time to relax and when I do provide myself with distractions I feel guilty because I wasn't being productive. Even writing this blog post I feel like I should be doing something more productive. But when I think about it, what could be more productive than working on myself? I know it's important to work through issues to ultimately lead a happier life but working through them means I have to face everything that I know is wrong with me and my thought process that I've been avoiding most of my life. The thought of actually doing that is terrifying.
Here's a prime example.
I know my relationship with my dad is toxic as hell and the things I do to rationalize his actions aren't healthy for anyone. While talking it over with my wife she made the comparison that what I'm doing is exactly what battered housewives do. They sacrifice themselves for the sake of someone else. Is that what I'm doing when I don't stand up to his verbally abusive tirades? His drunken rants spewing a seemingly endless stream of vomit meant to destroy everything in its path? I can't change him and for some reason I don't feel that I can change my reaction to him. Occasionally, I'll blow up and tell him exactly what's on my mind, but then I feel like shit afterward because I hurt his feelings.
I guess the first step is recognizing there's a problem. We'll see where it goes from here.
