So Thanksgiving was 2 days ago. It was the first Thanksgiving for several things:
1. Having "family" Thanksgiving at our house
2. First since my dad passed
3. First Thanksgiving without going to my grandma's
4. First without going to her family's house.
This year has been full of heartbreak but if it's shown me anything it's that I, and my wife, can persevere through whatever comes our way and I am so thankful to have this woman in my life. She's brought about so much positive change in my life. She's the reason I stopped smoking completely, I stopped drinking so much and so regularly, started eating healthier, encouraged me to write my book, pursue a career in leadership, get help with my anxiety and depression, and helped me embrace my love for video games and horror movies.
With her I can truly be me and I'm so grateful for that. I've been in relationships where I constantly had to put on a good face and pretend to be whatever they wanted me to be. With her it's just me: all the good, bad and in between. There aren't enough good things to say about her. She's just absolutely amazing.
I'm not really sure where I was going with this post. As I sit here stoned, watching the 90s Xmen cartoon under my Ninja Turtle Snuggie like a literal adult child. Apocalypse is talking about cleansing the world and building anew and I find myself drifting off into a world where my decisions were mostly inconsequential. There's so much weighing on decisions some days it feels like more than I can handle. But I power through and do whatever is necessary. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Seeing the results of a series of good decisions is one of the most satisfying things ever. Over the course of the last 10 years my wife and I made a series of good financial decisions and now we're only a few days away from being free from student loans. And I'm incredibly proud of us.
That's all I've got for right now. Until next time.
Saturday, November 30, 2019
Monday, November 18, 2019
2 Years of Pain and Glory
2018/2019 were two of the hardest years I've had in my life. It tells a pretty messed up story that's filled with fear, sadness, grief, depression, frustration, anger, joy, triumph and success. But that's how life is sometimes, it just kicks you in the face and beats you with a tire iron while you're laying on the ground. Then for some reason you get on your hands and knees and gather the strength to slowly crawl away from the edge you were halfway hanging off. Then you gradually get to your feet and shuffle, then saunter, and begin walking. Faster and faster until you're barrelling full speed toward the green zone. The area where life is actually good. You're happy with your job and your life. At some point you realize, by some mistake or miracle, you've accidentally accepted yourself. All of it. Your flaws, your traits, your skills, your intelligence. All of it. This has been a crazy fucking ride.
I guess the best way to explain everything is to do so in timelines:
Feb 2018 - Oct 2018: My wife started having female issues. Shortly after telling me about her concerns we started having regular OBGYN appointments to figure out what was going on. Three months of appointments gave us a lot of ups and downs. For a period during all this we were both really worried he had ovarian cancer and was at risk for uterine cancer. Several more tests later we found our that it was a softball sized dermoid cyst on her right ovary. We scheduled the appointment for September and had it removed. The recover was pretty bad for her because up until this point in her adult life she didn't really ever require care from someone else. We both made it through and I feel like we made it out the other end stronger than we did going into it. June 30th 2018: Our dog, Daisy, had a pretty bad cough that morning. She had a cough for a few days but we figured since she gets coughs regularly we'll wait before taking her to the vet. After consulting with our friend we decided to take her to the vet. The vet did an xray and found that her abdomen was ridden with tumors and her lungs as well. Since she was 12, probably wouldn't survive chemo, and we'd be worried she'd pass away any time we left the house. So we decided to have her put to sleep so that when she went, she'd be surrounded with love and everything she deserved as she crossed the rainbow bridge.
Nov. 21st, 2018 - Feb. 13th, 2019: This was the day I got the call that my grandma and uncle had found my dad passed out in their front yard and they were at the hospital in our hometown. As it turns out he had cirrhosis that was brought on by heavy drinking with his pain pills. We all knew it was going to catch up with him sooner or later. He spent the next week and half in the hospital before being released into the care of a nursing home in our hometown to work on recovering so he could take care of himself at home. After about 4 weeks in the nursing home he basically made the decision to give up on himself. Throughout all that I was working with my mom to get her POA on him so that he couldn't make decisions that would end up hurting him. January was rough. Not only was it the busiest time of year for me at work but I had to put my emotions on hold so I could focus on getting all of the "end of life" documents together (Will, Assets transferred to my mom's possession, Medical Proxy, etc...) My mom didn't know anything about any of this, neither did I but at least I was willing to figure it out so she could look after my dad. I was working on getting their house ready for him to come home so it's safer. All the while the nursing home is talking to me several times a week giving me updates on what he's doing/not doing, making recommendations on his care, trying to help get him well. Jan. 30th I got the call from them that my dad was found unresponsive and they were taking him to the hospital. My wife and I got there as fast as we could. He was transferred to another hospital that night. He spent a week in ICU before I made the call to put him on hospice. When I came to the realization that he wasn't going to last much longer I starteed making funeral plans. After 2 days they transferred him back to the nursing home where he passed away less than 24 hours later.
Nov 21st, 2018 - Feb 13th 2019: During the course of my dad being in the hospital/nursing home/hospital and passing I knew it wasn't going to be easy but there were other factors that proved to further complicate things. Those factors were primarily my grandmother and uncle. While he was in the hospital in our hometown they were there every day harassing the nurses and basically telling them how to do their jobs. We stopped that quickly by requiring the hospital staff to ask for a code prior to being able to talk about his condition to anyone. We didn't give them he password because we didn't want them bothering the nurses/doctors. When he was moved to the hospital about 30 minutes away where he stayed for about a week and half they couldn't be bothered to come see him. But once he was in the nursing home in our hometown they were both there several times a week, which they should have been. The only issue I had with it is that they were taking what the doctor said and twisting it around to give him false hope, which, when the deadline they gave came and passed he would get angry and act out, causing additional issues for the staff. They were repeatedly overheard telling him he was going to be home in the next couple weeks, then he'd be home by Christmas. When neither of those things happened he was angry and lashed out. But he wasn't participating in his care (eating what he should, doing his physical therapy, drinking enough fluids). He'd just stay in bed all day and not really interact with anyone. When he went back in the hospital the last time they came up to see him once. When he passed neither one of them would cooperate with preparing for it because they informed me that he was going to be buried, they had already talked to the cemetery and his service was going to be at their church because he had already talked to his pastor about officiating it. That's not at all what my dad said he wanted. He told my mom that he wanted to be cremated and he had already talked to a funeral home about setting up a payment plan to pay for it, so that's what we went with and because it wasn't what they wanted they were furious. So I told them, that's what my dad wanted and what they wanted was of no consequence because it wasn't up to them because I was going to honor my father's wishes. Needless to say I haven't spoken to them since the funeral and don't really have any desire to.
Dec. 2018 - Current: While my dad was in the hospital the first time I started talking to my mom about stopping smoking because when he came home he couldn't smoke or drink anymore and if she was smoking it'd make it that much harder for him. So she made an appointment with the doctor to get a prescription for Chantix. While she was having her exam they heard something in her left lung that was a little concerning. Several tests and a biopsy later they determined that it was just inflammation. We got this news on Feb 8th, the day after my dad passed and we were headed to the lawyer to finalize paperwork on my mom's will and advanced directive. A week later she got a call from the doctor saying they didn't think they went deep enough with the biopsy and wanted to do it again. This time it came back as lung cancer. The determined that it hadn't spread and it could be treated with surgery so surgery was scheduled a week later on March 13th. They did testing on the lymph nodes in the piece of lung they removed and confirmed that it hadn't spread. She came to live with my wife and I for roughly 7 weeks after surgery because at that point she couldn't take care of herself. Lots of stress and frustration later she went home the last week of April. She had her follow up appointment in late May/early June and they found that it had spread to her lymph node that is just above the piece of lung that was removed. 2 weeks later she was scheduled for her first chemo appointment. The first doctor we went to basically told us that in cases like hers with someone her age life expectancy was roughly 16-18 months. We decided to do more research and went with an institute that specializes in treating lung cancer. They wanted to do 4 treatments then new scans to see the progress. So far she's handling chemo well. After the 4 treatments she had they confirmed that the area is shrinking so we're making progress and they want her to do chemo for another year just to be safe. She's on her 8th round and struggles to stay positive but I do my best to help her continue looking at the bright side.
Feb. 21st, 2019 - Apr. 27th, 2019: A little over a week after my dad's funeral my wife and I gave our puppy we got in October her heart-worm medicine like we did every month since we had her. The next morning she was walking around like a drunken baby deer. After some research and contacting a vet tech friend of ours we found out that she was having some sort of neurological issue that likely stemmed from the active ingredient in her heart-worm medicine. We found out that she has a mutated gene that affects a small percentage of dogs and the medicine in her heart-worm medicine is toxic to her. So we took her to the emergency vet where she stayed for the next three days on dialysis to try and get as much of the medicine our of her system as possible. When she came home it was heartbreaking. She could barely walk, she had to be held up to eat, drink and potty. The worst part is that when she was "resting" she'd just stand in her kennel with her head pressed against the corner because that was the only way her head would stop spinning. It took her roughly 6 weeks to get back to normal when we were told she may never fully recover. So definitely time to count our blessings.
Mar 17th, 2019 - Sep 2019: I left the hospital after visiting my mom recovering from surgery. A little after getting on the highway I noticed there was a lot of traffic and everyone was stopped. So I slowed down to a stop about 2 car lengths behind the guy in front of me. A drunk driver can around the corner and slammed into me. Fortunately, I didn't hit the car in front of me but due to the force of the impact I was pretty sure my car was totaled. When I got my bearings I realized that the steering wheel and column had come off in my hand. Not really wanting to be holding it if someone hit the guy behind me I tossed it in the passenger seat. I called 911 and then called my wife to let her know what had happened. My shoulder was hurting pretty bad but all in all I was in decent shape. The officer got there, took both our statements and I ended up going to the ER of the hospital where my mom was at. After I was checked out I went up to see her since my wife had called her to let her know what had happened. The next day I had found a lawyer to help with my case and we started working on it. Roughly 8 weeks of therapy later, I was able to get around normally without pain pills or muscle relaxers. The case was finalized in September and I was finally able to put that behind me.
May 2019 - Current: With everything that was going on between my dad getting sick and passing, my mom getting diagnosed and treated for cancer, getting rear ended by a drunk driver, learning how get medical POA, wills, making care decisions for my father, hospice, planning a funeral, helping my mom make decisions for her own care, dealing with lawyers, all the while feeling like a complete failure at work. Over the course of 6 months I had burned through about a month and half of PTO. My team viewed me as unreliable and incompetent due to my mind actually not being focused on work. I was simply failing at life. I was just waiting for the next existential crisis to hit. What took me a long time to realize, despite the fact that my wife had told me several times, was the fact that I was on the cusp of severe depression. I feel like it's perfectly reasonable to expect some sort of depression to kick in. Up until that point my wife and I played an online video game called "Ark" pretty religiously with several friends of ours. At some point in May or June I had lost all desire to actually play. July was rough. Not only was I suffering but my wife was fighting her own demons. It was at that point I decided that what I was doing wasn't working and I needed help. I made an appointment with a local psychologist and started taking Zoloft on a daily basis. I've been shocked by just how much of a difference they make. I mean it's not a cureall but it definitely helped give me th4e motivation to actually give a shit about anything and take a proactive approach to life. My wife and I decided that we wanted to go to more concerts, so in the last 4 months we've been to 8 concerts, took a 3 hour road trip to go get tattoos, are planning a trip to Alaska, Utah, and Vegas if we can fit it in next year, I'm going to weekly appointments with a therapist, and now I'm starting what I hope will be a daily entry blog in an effort to force me to write everyday.
On a side note, I'm doing better than I've been in I don't even know how long, maybe all my life As long as I keep moving forward, stay positive, continue growing and being willing to change, and work on just being a better me. If I can do that consistently then eventually I'll be the man my wife sees in me and maybe, just maybe, I'll believe it. But that's a story for another day.
I guess the best way to explain everything is to do so in timelines:
Feb 2018 - Oct 2018: My wife started having female issues. Shortly after telling me about her concerns we started having regular OBGYN appointments to figure out what was going on. Three months of appointments gave us a lot of ups and downs. For a period during all this we were both really worried he had ovarian cancer and was at risk for uterine cancer. Several more tests later we found our that it was a softball sized dermoid cyst on her right ovary. We scheduled the appointment for September and had it removed. The recover was pretty bad for her because up until this point in her adult life she didn't really ever require care from someone else. We both made it through and I feel like we made it out the other end stronger than we did going into it. June 30th 2018: Our dog, Daisy, had a pretty bad cough that morning. She had a cough for a few days but we figured since she gets coughs regularly we'll wait before taking her to the vet. After consulting with our friend we decided to take her to the vet. The vet did an xray and found that her abdomen was ridden with tumors and her lungs as well. Since she was 12, probably wouldn't survive chemo, and we'd be worried she'd pass away any time we left the house. So we decided to have her put to sleep so that when she went, she'd be surrounded with love and everything she deserved as she crossed the rainbow bridge.
Nov. 21st, 2018 - Feb. 13th, 2019: This was the day I got the call that my grandma and uncle had found my dad passed out in their front yard and they were at the hospital in our hometown. As it turns out he had cirrhosis that was brought on by heavy drinking with his pain pills. We all knew it was going to catch up with him sooner or later. He spent the next week and half in the hospital before being released into the care of a nursing home in our hometown to work on recovering so he could take care of himself at home. After about 4 weeks in the nursing home he basically made the decision to give up on himself. Throughout all that I was working with my mom to get her POA on him so that he couldn't make decisions that would end up hurting him. January was rough. Not only was it the busiest time of year for me at work but I had to put my emotions on hold so I could focus on getting all of the "end of life" documents together (Will, Assets transferred to my mom's possession, Medical Proxy, etc...) My mom didn't know anything about any of this, neither did I but at least I was willing to figure it out so she could look after my dad. I was working on getting their house ready for him to come home so it's safer. All the while the nursing home is talking to me several times a week giving me updates on what he's doing/not doing, making recommendations on his care, trying to help get him well. Jan. 30th I got the call from them that my dad was found unresponsive and they were taking him to the hospital. My wife and I got there as fast as we could. He was transferred to another hospital that night. He spent a week in ICU before I made the call to put him on hospice. When I came to the realization that he wasn't going to last much longer I starteed making funeral plans. After 2 days they transferred him back to the nursing home where he passed away less than 24 hours later.
Nov 21st, 2018 - Feb 13th 2019: During the course of my dad being in the hospital/nursing home/hospital and passing I knew it wasn't going to be easy but there were other factors that proved to further complicate things. Those factors were primarily my grandmother and uncle. While he was in the hospital in our hometown they were there every day harassing the nurses and basically telling them how to do their jobs. We stopped that quickly by requiring the hospital staff to ask for a code prior to being able to talk about his condition to anyone. We didn't give them he password because we didn't want them bothering the nurses/doctors. When he was moved to the hospital about 30 minutes away where he stayed for about a week and half they couldn't be bothered to come see him. But once he was in the nursing home in our hometown they were both there several times a week, which they should have been. The only issue I had with it is that they were taking what the doctor said and twisting it around to give him false hope, which, when the deadline they gave came and passed he would get angry and act out, causing additional issues for the staff. They were repeatedly overheard telling him he was going to be home in the next couple weeks, then he'd be home by Christmas. When neither of those things happened he was angry and lashed out. But he wasn't participating in his care (eating what he should, doing his physical therapy, drinking enough fluids). He'd just stay in bed all day and not really interact with anyone. When he went back in the hospital the last time they came up to see him once. When he passed neither one of them would cooperate with preparing for it because they informed me that he was going to be buried, they had already talked to the cemetery and his service was going to be at their church because he had already talked to his pastor about officiating it. That's not at all what my dad said he wanted. He told my mom that he wanted to be cremated and he had already talked to a funeral home about setting up a payment plan to pay for it, so that's what we went with and because it wasn't what they wanted they were furious. So I told them, that's what my dad wanted and what they wanted was of no consequence because it wasn't up to them because I was going to honor my father's wishes. Needless to say I haven't spoken to them since the funeral and don't really have any desire to.
Dec. 2018 - Current: While my dad was in the hospital the first time I started talking to my mom about stopping smoking because when he came home he couldn't smoke or drink anymore and if she was smoking it'd make it that much harder for him. So she made an appointment with the doctor to get a prescription for Chantix. While she was having her exam they heard something in her left lung that was a little concerning. Several tests and a biopsy later they determined that it was just inflammation. We got this news on Feb 8th, the day after my dad passed and we were headed to the lawyer to finalize paperwork on my mom's will and advanced directive. A week later she got a call from the doctor saying they didn't think they went deep enough with the biopsy and wanted to do it again. This time it came back as lung cancer. The determined that it hadn't spread and it could be treated with surgery so surgery was scheduled a week later on March 13th. They did testing on the lymph nodes in the piece of lung they removed and confirmed that it hadn't spread. She came to live with my wife and I for roughly 7 weeks after surgery because at that point she couldn't take care of herself. Lots of stress and frustration later she went home the last week of April. She had her follow up appointment in late May/early June and they found that it had spread to her lymph node that is just above the piece of lung that was removed. 2 weeks later she was scheduled for her first chemo appointment. The first doctor we went to basically told us that in cases like hers with someone her age life expectancy was roughly 16-18 months. We decided to do more research and went with an institute that specializes in treating lung cancer. They wanted to do 4 treatments then new scans to see the progress. So far she's handling chemo well. After the 4 treatments she had they confirmed that the area is shrinking so we're making progress and they want her to do chemo for another year just to be safe. She's on her 8th round and struggles to stay positive but I do my best to help her continue looking at the bright side.
Feb. 21st, 2019 - Apr. 27th, 2019: A little over a week after my dad's funeral my wife and I gave our puppy we got in October her heart-worm medicine like we did every month since we had her. The next morning she was walking around like a drunken baby deer. After some research and contacting a vet tech friend of ours we found out that she was having some sort of neurological issue that likely stemmed from the active ingredient in her heart-worm medicine. We found out that she has a mutated gene that affects a small percentage of dogs and the medicine in her heart-worm medicine is toxic to her. So we took her to the emergency vet where she stayed for the next three days on dialysis to try and get as much of the medicine our of her system as possible. When she came home it was heartbreaking. She could barely walk, she had to be held up to eat, drink and potty. The worst part is that when she was "resting" she'd just stand in her kennel with her head pressed against the corner because that was the only way her head would stop spinning. It took her roughly 6 weeks to get back to normal when we were told she may never fully recover. So definitely time to count our blessings.
Mar 17th, 2019 - Sep 2019: I left the hospital after visiting my mom recovering from surgery. A little after getting on the highway I noticed there was a lot of traffic and everyone was stopped. So I slowed down to a stop about 2 car lengths behind the guy in front of me. A drunk driver can around the corner and slammed into me. Fortunately, I didn't hit the car in front of me but due to the force of the impact I was pretty sure my car was totaled. When I got my bearings I realized that the steering wheel and column had come off in my hand. Not really wanting to be holding it if someone hit the guy behind me I tossed it in the passenger seat. I called 911 and then called my wife to let her know what had happened. My shoulder was hurting pretty bad but all in all I was in decent shape. The officer got there, took both our statements and I ended up going to the ER of the hospital where my mom was at. After I was checked out I went up to see her since my wife had called her to let her know what had happened. The next day I had found a lawyer to help with my case and we started working on it. Roughly 8 weeks of therapy later, I was able to get around normally without pain pills or muscle relaxers. The case was finalized in September and I was finally able to put that behind me.
May 2019 - Current: With everything that was going on between my dad getting sick and passing, my mom getting diagnosed and treated for cancer, getting rear ended by a drunk driver, learning how get medical POA, wills, making care decisions for my father, hospice, planning a funeral, helping my mom make decisions for her own care, dealing with lawyers, all the while feeling like a complete failure at work. Over the course of 6 months I had burned through about a month and half of PTO. My team viewed me as unreliable and incompetent due to my mind actually not being focused on work. I was simply failing at life. I was just waiting for the next existential crisis to hit. What took me a long time to realize, despite the fact that my wife had told me several times, was the fact that I was on the cusp of severe depression. I feel like it's perfectly reasonable to expect some sort of depression to kick in. Up until that point my wife and I played an online video game called "Ark" pretty religiously with several friends of ours. At some point in May or June I had lost all desire to actually play. July was rough. Not only was I suffering but my wife was fighting her own demons. It was at that point I decided that what I was doing wasn't working and I needed help. I made an appointment with a local psychologist and started taking Zoloft on a daily basis. I've been shocked by just how much of a difference they make. I mean it's not a cureall but it definitely helped give me th4e motivation to actually give a shit about anything and take a proactive approach to life. My wife and I decided that we wanted to go to more concerts, so in the last 4 months we've been to 8 concerts, took a 3 hour road trip to go get tattoos, are planning a trip to Alaska, Utah, and Vegas if we can fit it in next year, I'm going to weekly appointments with a therapist, and now I'm starting what I hope will be a daily entry blog in an effort to force me to write everyday.
On a side note, I'm doing better than I've been in I don't even know how long, maybe all my life As long as I keep moving forward, stay positive, continue growing and being willing to change, and work on just being a better me. If I can do that consistently then eventually I'll be the man my wife sees in me and maybe, just maybe, I'll believe it. But that's a story for another day.
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