Change

In the past 4 months so much has changed I'm not even sure where to begin. COVID-19 aka the coronavirus has taken over the world while the US can't seem to collectively understand the actual danger of being out in public and not wearing protective gear because "freedom" and it's all a Democratic hoax while they're putting others at great risk. In the midst of all this, a white police officer essentially murdered a black man due to putting his body weight's pressure on the back of his neck and protests/riots of sparked up all around the world crying out for police brutality to end.

On a personal level, things seem to be getting better exponentially. In the past year, my wife and I have 100% paid off both of our vehicles, student loans and credit cards. In the coming year, we (hopefully) will have found a house we love and have enough in the bank to be able to pay it off. Then, at 36, we will have finally reached our dream of being debt free. Beyond that, we'll figure it out but as it sits right now, we're laser focused on making that a reality. 

Work is going well, I'm getting great reviews from my boss and we've got our annual department survey coming up that will give me anonymous feedback from my team, which I'm pretty excited about cause I feel like my team is in a really good spot. We're in month 3 of working from home, which is really weird because it doesn't feel like it's been that long. Not really sure when we're going to be back in the office and I'm ok with that. As long as I don't have to go to work and be fearful that I'm going to get sick and die or that I"m going to pass it on to my mom then I'm happy. 

I've taken up woodburning, which is a little different than anything I've done before. I'm not great at it but with time I feel I can get pretty good. Just wanted to post a quick update on where I'm at. 

My mom got great news in her last chemo appointment. They're recommending her to have chemo every 6 weeks rather than every 3 meaning the cancerous area is shrinking!!

That's all I've got for now. Until next time... stay safe, stay humble, stay true.

Anniversary Week

2.5
It was one year ago today that my mom was on one side of the hospital a couple floors up from my dad who was on the other end of the hospital awaiting transport back to the nursing home where he'd die two days later. She was getting a biopsy on her lung to determine if she had lung cancer. Well, we all know how that story ends. She has another chemo treatment next week that had to be rescheduled due to snow. Little did I know my life would be entirely different in one year.

2.7
So today hasn't exactly gone as planned. I had planned on getting up, getting some inspiration and working on getting some writing done. So far all I've managed to do is get high type a few words a couple hundred time and watch six episodes of "The Magicians," wash two loads of laundry, wash two loads of dishes. While it's not what I wanted I don't regret it.

2 9
Yesterday was quite a bit of fun. My wife and I took my mom to a local craft show. We were there for a good 4 hours or so and then we went to eat afterward. I think we were probably out later than we ever have. She ended up leaving our house around 9 and she usually wants to be gone before dark. She let me know that she really had a lot of fun. We really did enjoy our time there. I got me to thinking about a lot of things. I really miss my dad. Even though be was frustrating and infuriating at times. I know he loved me, I know he wouldn't want me hurting like this but I'm not left wiht many options that don't end up in me being a sociopath. For the past two months I've recounted where we were at in the process of the disaster that was my life for a year and half. Today is the day that I found out my uncle had a heart attack. In the next four days I'll have not only finalized my mothers will, had my dad cremated, spoke at my dad's funeral, and ended up taking our dog to the vet because her heartworm medicine and it almost killed her. She spent the next three days on dialysis getting the medicine out of her system so it'll hopefully not scar her bran more than it already had.

On the plus side, I've started working on my btrilogy. I'm  starting with moving some things around. Rather than starting with Bag of Malice I'm going to begin the series with "Heart of Malice" and I'm working on getting the character and stories outlined so I have more of a roadmap to get where I want to go with it rather than winging it and hoping for the best. Also, I've decided that rather than  forcing myself to stick with traditional publishing I'm just going to self publish and continue to go that route and see what happens. I'm going to pour myself in work like I used to and maybe, just maybe, I'll get something done.

Until next time. .

2020 Vision

Goal list for 2020:

1. Fully outline and draft "Bag of Malice"
2. Fully outline "Heart of Malice"
3. Fully outline "Abyss"
4. Fully outline "TBD Leadership book"
5. Drop at least 50 lbs
6. Lower my cholesterol to a relatively safe level if not a totally safe level
7. Purchase and pay off our house
8. Sell the current house
9. Ramp up our retirement fund from 5% to 10% (maybe higher if doable)

Now it's a matter of figuring out how exactly I'm going to accomplish all of it. What I do know is that I have 334 days, 48 weeks, 11 months.

I've downloaded and started using Scrivner to help organize my thoughts and writing into something that actually makes sense.

My wife and I have started making better choices with our food and eating out significantly less than we used to and we're cooking more regularly.

Now I know what my endgame is, I just need to make an individual plan for each of these to ensure I'm staying on track with my goals. 

Now let's make this shit happen!

1 month in

So we're 27 days into 2020. So much has changed but so much has stayed the same.

What doesn't kill you leaves you broken instead. If I heard anyone describe the previous year to me I'd look them dead in the eyes and ask, "How are you still breathing?" But when I look back I just shrug my shoulders as if it were nothing more than a minor inconvenience. Up until this point I don't think I've actually look at this situation from someone else's perspective. It is a miracle that my wife and I are still happily married and that I'm still standing and manage to smile even on my worst days. I thank my spectacularly amazing wife, my supportive family, my beyond loving friends, my wise mentor, and kick ass coworkers.

At this point I think I've spent enough time dwelling on and rehashing the past year. I've recently discovered a band called "Villain of the Story." In their song "Peace of Mind" there are a few lines that spoke to so loudly I almost broke down crying. "I'm done wasting away. This is the only way that I wll find, something near to happiness in this life. I can't remember that  had any peace of mind. I fought for this I bled for this. There is no turning back now. Finally I'm able to see the place I"m meant to be. I'm done wasting away."

That's where I'm at in this moment. Actually come to think about it there are so many songs that have really spoken to me this past year. Slipknot - Unsainted, Slipknot - The Devil in Me, NF - Paralyzed, NF -The Search, Godsmack - Bulletproof, Dream on Dreamer - Don't lose your heart, and so many more. If I continued I'd likely break 5000 words. Needless to say, music is a huge part of my life.

Day 2
For the past few days I've been re-watching "The Magicians" and so far I'm en joying it. I realize that it's nothing more than a distraction, just like all the video games. A distraction from work, from writing, from exercising, from everything. So I'm attempting to do some restructuring of my time. so that I prioritize the things that are important and de prioritize the unimportant things. This is how I intend on getting my goals achieved. This isn't really one of those new year new me things. I've taken the past 2 years worth of shit and came out the other end better than I've ever been. I feel like I've been owning it at work and have been more on point than I think I've ever been.

My mental state is less volatile to myself than it's ever been and as weird as it is, for the first time in my life I'm actually happier with myself than I've ever been in my life. Apparently accepting yourself is a huge milestone in life. I realize and have realized for the longest time that I'm capable of pretty much anything that I put my mind to. I just need to have enough discipline to be able to make that happen. What I know right now is that I'm done wasting time. I'm done sitting still. I'm ready to take off at Mach 3 with my hair on fire ready to bring that fire to the world.

Two days to 2020

So it's two days until the new year, a new decade, a new me. I know everyone has this whole new year new me crap. It's all bullshit. No one commits to significant change for themselves even if it's going to help them in the long run. But I'm at the point in my life where if I don't change I'm going to die. Maybe not in the next year or two but I'd definitely not live a long life. Not really sure why this is a shocker, it shouldn't be by the way I've treated my body the past 35 years.

So I've decided changes need to happen. I need to start eating better. Less fast food, less soda, less coffee. More exercise. More and better quality sleep. Better self care.

2019 taught me so much I"m not going to bore you with the gritty details but the thing I learned most of all is just how strong I really am. As my mentor has said, "You went through Hell, brother. But you've really turned it around." And I agree with every word. I combated it with legal drugs, loud music, an amazing wife and sheer willpower.

Christmas came and went. We cooked and had my mom up at our house. She was so happy when we gave her the laptop she jumped up and hugged both of us. I went to her house the following Saturday and got her Wifi and laptop set up and she was ecstatic. It breaks my heart to see her suffering like she is. I don't know what I can do that I haven't already done to help her. I've tried to set her up with as much success as possible. Give her the tools to cook for herself, give her technological comforts, check on her regularly, but aside from moving her in, which isn't an option based on previous experience, I am lost trying to figure out what I can do. I'll talk more about therapy in tomorrow's post.

Thanksgiving and things

So Thanksgiving was 2 days ago. It was the first Thanksgiving for several things:
1. Having "family" Thanksgiving at our house
2. First since my dad passed
3. First Thanksgiving without going to my grandma's
4. First without going to her family's house.

This year has been full of heartbreak but if it's shown me anything it's that I, and my wife, can persevere through whatever comes our way and I am so thankful to have this woman in my life. She's brought about so much positive change in my life. She's the reason I stopped smoking completely, I stopped drinking so much and so regularly, started eating healthier, encouraged me to write my book, pursue a career in leadership, get help with my anxiety and depression, and helped me embrace my love for video games and horror movies.

With her I can truly be me and I'm so grateful for that. I've been in relationships where I constantly had to put on a good face and pretend to be whatever they wanted me to be. With her it's just me: all the good, bad and in between. There aren't enough good things to say about her. She's just absolutely amazing.

I'm not really sure where I was going with this post. As I sit here stoned, watching the 90s Xmen cartoon under my Ninja Turtle Snuggie like a literal adult child. Apocalypse is talking about cleansing the world and building anew and I find myself drifting off into a world where my decisions were mostly inconsequential. There's so  much weighing on decisions some days it feels like more than I can handle. But I power through and do whatever is necessary. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Seeing the results of a series of good decisions is one of the most satisfying things ever. Over the course of the last 10 years my wife and I made a series of good financial decisions and now we're only a few days away from being free from student loans. And I'm incredibly proud of us.

That's all I've got for right now. Until next time.

2 Years of Pain and Glory

2018/2019 were two of the hardest years I've had in my life. It tells a pretty messed up story that's filled with fear, sadness, grief, depression, frustration, anger, joy, triumph and success. But that's how life is sometimes, it just kicks you in the face and beats you with a tire iron while you're laying on the ground. Then for some reason you get on your hands and knees and gather the strength to slowly crawl away from the edge you were halfway hanging off. Then you gradually get to your feet and shuffle, then saunter, and begin walking. Faster and faster until you're barrelling full speed toward the green zone. The area where life is actually good. You're happy with your job and your life. At some point you realize, by some mistake or miracle, you've accidentally accepted yourself. All of it. Your flaws, your traits, your skills, your intelligence. All of it. This has been a crazy fucking ride.

I guess the best way to explain everything is to do so in timelines:

Feb 2018 - Oct 2018: My wife started having female issues. Shortly after telling me about her concerns we started having regular OBGYN appointments to figure out what was going on. Three months of appointments gave us a lot of ups and downs. For a period during all this we were both really worried he had ovarian cancer and was at risk for uterine cancer. Several more tests later we found our that it was a softball sized dermoid cyst on her right ovary. We scheduled the appointment for September and had it removed. The recover was pretty bad for her because up until this point in her adult life she didn't really ever require care from someone else. We both made it through and I feel like we made it out the other end stronger than we did going into it. June 30th 2018: Our dog, Daisy, had a pretty bad cough that morning. She had a cough for a few days but we figured since she gets coughs regularly we'll wait before taking her to the vet. After consulting with our friend we decided to take her to the vet. The vet did an xray and found that her abdomen was ridden with tumors and her lungs as well. Since she was 12, probably wouldn't survive chemo, and we'd be worried she'd pass away any time we left the house. So we decided to have her put to sleep so that when she went, she'd be surrounded with love and everything she deserved as she crossed the rainbow bridge.



Nov. 21st, 2018 - Feb. 13th, 2019: This was the day I got the call that my grandma and uncle had found my dad passed out in their front yard and they were at the hospital in our hometown. As it turns out he had cirrhosis that was brought on by heavy drinking with his pain pills. We all knew it was going to catch up with him sooner or later. He spent the next week and half in the hospital before being released into the care of a nursing home in our hometown to work on recovering so he could take care of himself at home. After about 4 weeks in the nursing home he basically made the decision to give up on himself. Throughout all that I was working with my mom to get her POA on him so that he couldn't make decisions that would end up hurting him. January was rough. Not only was it the busiest time of year for me at work but I had to put my emotions on hold so I could focus on getting all of the "end of life" documents together (Will, Assets transferred to my mom's possession, Medical Proxy, etc...) My mom didn't know anything about any of this, neither did I but at least I was willing to figure it out so she could look after my dad. I was working on getting their house ready for him to come home so it's safer. All the while the nursing home is talking to me several times a week giving me updates on what he's doing/not doing, making recommendations on his care, trying to help get him well. Jan. 30th I got the call from them that my dad was found unresponsive and they were taking him to the hospital. My wife and I got there as fast as we could. He was transferred to another hospital that night. He spent a week in ICU before I made the call to put him on hospice. When I came to the realization that he wasn't going to last much longer I starteed making funeral plans. After 2 days they transferred him back to the nursing home where he passed away less than 24 hours later.

Nov 21st, 2018 - Feb 13th 2019: During the course of my dad being in the hospital/nursing home/hospital and passing I knew it wasn't going to be easy but there were other factors that proved to further complicate things. Those factors were primarily my grandmother and uncle. While he was in the hospital in our hometown they were there every day harassing the nurses and basically telling them how to do their jobs. We stopped that quickly by requiring the hospital staff to ask for a code prior to being able to talk about his condition to anyone. We didn't give them he password because we didn't want them bothering the nurses/doctors. When he was moved to the hospital about 30 minutes away where he stayed for about a week and half they couldn't be bothered to come see him. But once he was in the nursing home in our hometown they were both there several times a week, which they should have been. The only issue I had with it is that they were taking what the doctor said and twisting it around to give him false hope, which, when the deadline they gave came and passed he would get angry and act out, causing additional issues for the staff. They were repeatedly overheard telling him he was going to be home in the next couple weeks, then he'd be home by Christmas. When neither of those things happened he was angry and lashed out. But he wasn't participating in his care (eating what he should, doing his physical therapy, drinking enough fluids). He'd just stay in bed all day and not really interact with anyone. When he went back in the hospital the last time they came up to see him once. When he passed neither one of them would cooperate with preparing for it because they informed me that he was going to be buried, they had already talked to the cemetery and his service was going to be at their church because he had already talked to his pastor about officiating it. That's not at all what my dad said he wanted. He told my mom that he wanted to be cremated and he had already talked to a funeral home about setting up a payment plan to pay for it, so that's what we went with and because it wasn't what they wanted they were furious. So I told them, that's what my dad wanted and what they wanted was of no consequence because it wasn't up to them because I was going to honor my father's wishes. Needless to say I haven't spoken to them since the funeral and don't really have any desire to.

Dec. 2018 - Current: While my dad was in the hospital the first time I started talking to my mom about stopping smoking because when he came home he couldn't smoke or drink anymore and if she was smoking it'd make it that much harder for him. So she made an appointment with the doctor to get a prescription for Chantix. While she was having her exam they heard something in her left lung that was a little concerning. Several tests and a biopsy later they determined that it was just inflammation. We got this news on Feb 8th, the day after my dad passed and we were headed to the lawyer to finalize paperwork on my mom's will and advanced directive. A week later she got a call from the doctor saying they didn't think they went deep enough with the biopsy and wanted to do it again. This time it came back as lung cancer. The determined that it hadn't spread and it could be treated with surgery so surgery was scheduled a week later on March 13th. They did testing on the lymph nodes in the piece of lung they removed and confirmed that it hadn't spread. She came to live with my wife and I for roughly 7 weeks after surgery because at that point she couldn't take care of herself. Lots of stress and frustration later she went home the last week of April. She had her follow up appointment in late May/early June and they found that it had spread to her lymph node that is just above the piece of lung that was removed. 2 weeks later she was scheduled for her first chemo appointment. The first doctor we went to basically told us that in cases like hers with someone her age life expectancy was roughly 16-18 months. We decided to do more research and went with an institute that specializes in treating lung cancer. They wanted to do 4 treatments then new scans to see the progress. So far she's handling chemo well. After the 4 treatments she had they confirmed that the area is shrinking so we're making progress and they want her to do chemo for another year just to be safe. She's on her 8th round and struggles to stay positive but I do my best to help her continue looking at the bright side.

Feb. 21st, 2019 -  Apr. 27th, 2019: A little over a week after my dad's funeral my wife and I gave our puppy we got in October her heart-worm medicine like we did every month since we had her. The next morning she was walking around like a drunken baby deer. After some research and contacting a vet tech friend of ours we found out that she was having some sort of neurological issue that likely stemmed from the active ingredient in her heart-worm medicine. We found out that she has a mutated gene that affects a small percentage of dogs and the medicine in her heart-worm medicine is toxic to her. So we took her to the emergency vet where she stayed for the next three days on dialysis to try and get as much of the medicine our of her system as possible. When she came home it was heartbreaking. She could barely walk, she had to be held up to eat, drink and potty. The worst part is that when she was "resting" she'd just stand in her kennel with her head pressed against the corner because that was the only way her head would stop spinning. It took her roughly 6 weeks to get back to normal when we were told she may never fully recover. So definitely time to count our blessings.

Mar 17th, 2019 - Sep 2019: I left the hospital after visiting my mom recovering from surgery. A little after getting on the highway I noticed there was a lot of traffic and everyone was stopped. So I slowed down to a stop about 2 car lengths behind the guy in front of me. A drunk driver can around the corner and slammed into me. Fortunately, I didn't hit the car in front of me but due to the force of the impact I was pretty sure my car was totaled. When I got my bearings I realized that the steering wheel and column had come off in my hand. Not really wanting to be holding it if someone hit the guy behind me I tossed it in the passenger seat. I called 911 and then called my wife to let her know what had happened. My shoulder was hurting pretty bad but all in all I was in decent shape. The officer got there, took both our statements and I ended up going to the ER of the hospital where my mom was at. After I was checked out I went up to see her since my wife had called her to let her know what had happened. The next day I had found a lawyer to help with my case and we started working on it. Roughly 8 weeks of therapy later, I was able to get around normally without pain pills or muscle relaxers. The case was finalized in September and I was finally able to put that behind me.
May 2019 - Current: With everything that was going on between my dad getting sick and passing, my mom getting diagnosed and treated for cancer, getting rear ended by a drunk driver, learning how get medical POA, wills, making care decisions for my father, hospice, planning a funeral, helping my mom make decisions for her own care, dealing with lawyers, all the while feeling like a complete failure at work. Over the course of 6 months I had burned through about a month and half of PTO. My team viewed me as unreliable and incompetent due to my mind actually not being focused on work. I was simply failing at life. I was just waiting for the next existential crisis to hit. What took me a long time to realize, despite the fact that my wife had told me several times, was the fact that I was on the cusp of severe depression. I feel like it's perfectly reasonable to expect some sort of depression to kick in. Up until that point my wife and I played an online video game called "Ark" pretty religiously with several friends of ours. At some point in May or June I had lost all desire to actually play. July was rough. Not only was I suffering but my wife was fighting her own demons.  It was at that point I decided that what I was doing wasn't working and I needed help. I made an appointment with a local psychologist and started taking Zoloft on a daily basis. I've been shocked by just how much of a difference they make. I mean it's not a cureall but it definitely helped give me th4e motivation to actually give a shit about anything and take a proactive approach to life. My wife and I decided that we wanted to go to more concerts, so in the last 4 months we've been to 8 concerts, took a 3 hour road trip to go get tattoos, are planning a trip to Alaska, Utah, and Vegas if we can fit it in next year, I'm going to weekly appointments with a therapist, and now I'm starting what I hope will be a daily entry blog in an effort to force me to write everyday.

On a side note, I'm doing better than I've been in I don't even know how long, maybe all my life As long as I keep moving forward, stay positive, continue growing and being willing to change, and work on just being a better me. If I can do that consistently then eventually I'll be the man my wife sees in me and maybe, just maybe, I'll believe it. But that's a story for another day.

And I'm back...

This blog has presented a certain set of challenges and opportunities throughout the course. It started as a way for me to vent frustrations then a method to help deal with certain challenges I had at work. My vision for it hasn't changed but it's going to evolve more into a method of self-discovery.

I was talking to one of my team members yesterday and came to an interesting revelation about my personal life. We talked specifically about the comparisons between Chinese culture and American culture as it pertains to the relationship between children and their parents. On how in China, the parents push their kids to focus on school until they get their careers then afterward the kids take care of the parents. In America, once the kids move out they pretty much life lives separate from their parents.

The conversation digressed to weekend plans and I proceed to tell her about what I hoped to accomplish this weekend. She posed an interested question, "What do you do to relax?" Rather than giving her the standard answer of, "Writing, video games, etc..." I just said that I really don't for the most part. Mentally I feel like I always HAVE to be productive, otherwise the time is wasted and therefore I'm lazy for doing so. When I take some time to play video games or write or watch a movie my mind is sufficiently distracted. As soon as the distraction is done, I look at the time and think about everything I could have gotten done in that time. Then the guilt sets in. The guilt because I wasted my time doing whatever it was and wasn't doing what I knew I should. Whether that is reading a development book, cooking, laundry, yard work, cleaning, whatever, something that equates to some form of accomplishment. Her response was probably the most shocking. It was, "I couldn't live life if I was that way and didn't have any way to actually relax."

It got me to thinking about why I do this. I don't give myself time to relax and when I do provide myself with distractions I feel guilty because I wasn't being productive. Even writing this blog post I feel like I should be doing something more productive. But when I think about it, what could be more productive than working on myself? I know it's important to work through issues to ultimately lead a happier life but working through them means I have to face everything that I know is wrong with me and my thought process that I've been avoiding most of my life. The thought of actually doing that is terrifying.

Here's a prime example.

I know my relationship with my dad is toxic as hell and the things I do to rationalize his actions aren't healthy for anyone. While talking it over with my wife she made the comparison that what I'm doing is exactly what battered housewives do. They sacrifice themselves for the sake of someone else. Is that what I'm doing when I don't stand up to his verbally abusive tirades? His drunken rants spewing a seemingly endless stream of vomit meant to destroy everything in its path? I can't change him and for some reason I don't feel that I can change my reaction to him. Occasionally, I'll blow up and tell him exactly what's on my mind, but then I feel like shit afterward because I hurt his feelings.

I guess the first step is recognizing there's a problem. We'll see where it goes from here.

Postponed

For the sake of my own sanity, I'm postponing this project. I know the value of self discovery and growth more than most but because of the industry that I'm in this is our absolute busiest time of year and due to the fact that I have one of the biggest teams I am taking small steps to help myself but putting most of the focus on helping my team keep their sanity since I'm asking a lot of them in terms of workload and hours.

I have read a ton of articles regarding stress management, burnout and have started reading a book about coaching. So far a lot of the things that it's talking about I'm already doing. Some of them I'm going to try and implement.

I'll update when I can, until then we'll see how it goes!!!

Update from the previous month

I started with the intention of providing daily updates on progress to document my journey and obviously I fell off a bit. However, this has been an extremely productive and exciting month. Over the past several weeks I went through a lot of the leadership articles and several burnout and stress related articles that I'm still going through. Once I have a solid list of tips and tricks I'll be sure to post them. Bear in mind there is A LOT of information to go through.

Probably one of the most eye-opening things I've done is go through the book "Leadership and Self-Deception" by the Arbinger Institute. It's a book that deals with issues that most people (leaders or not) deal with on a regular basis. The first part of the book primarily deals with identifying people with this "Deception" problem. I'm going to give my take on it but I HIGHLY recommend you read through this at least twice so you can get the most benefit. I've provided the link below.

Leadership and Self-Deception

The first time I read through it I found that it focused primarily on seeing people as people with dreams, thoughts and goals rather than objects meant to produce numbers. "That doesn't apply to me, my people know how much they mean to me and I'm always mindful of that" was my reaction in addition to thinking how stupid it was that I was reading it. However, the more I got into it I found that some of the things may actually apply to me. Part of it identifies self deception as having to find justifications for your action or inaction which I'll admit I'm guilty of. The other part of helping to identify these things is if you have a tendency to blame others. In my head, I found that I have a tendency to blame other for my inability to accomplish things because of time constraints or questions when in reality it has to do with the me not training them or telling them they have the authority to make certain decisions on situations. If someone has a question they need to research it first, then ask someone else on the team before bringing it to me. That's my understanding because that's just the way my brain works, but as I've been told before, not everyone thinks like me. So this begs the question, have I actually told my team this? If not, then I need to. Have I set guidelines on how certain situations need to be handled and how to proceed? If not, then I need to. This book was a HUGE eye opener for me. I have since implemented these things on my team and have seen a good amount of progress from it. Granted, I need to remind a few every now and again but it's not frequent. In fact, this book's theories were so (at least to me) revolutionary that I went through it a few more times and took good notes on the main points and stories related and will be putting together a training for my team and maybe the other leaders in my department. I CAN'T have been the only person that has encountered these things.


It all came to a head when I had a discussion with my department manager after working another 12 hour day. We had finished wrapping up everything from the previous month and I was giving him an update. He had proceeded to tell me that he just wish he'd have known sooner about the situation my team was in. Thousands of thoughts flooded my brain on how I could justify not knowing but I knew in my heart it was because I hadn't done my job. For the first time since I had been at the company, I had failed to excel or even succeed in doing the job I was being paid to do. The only move I had left was to apologize and told him I hoped he had a great weekend.The only thing I could do is get in my car and break down. Aside from a death in the family the last time that happened was when I realized the rage in my previous life had pushed away everyone I held dear.


One of the main expectations that I have my team is to be honest with me (obviously) but mostly to be honest with themselves. If they're overwhelmed, burned out, stressed, frustrated, behind in their work, they need to admit this to themselves and me so I can get them the help they need. I realized that I was being a hypocrite. This is what I expected of them but I wasn't doing this for me. Once I started being honest with myself about my situation I was flooded with emotions. "How did I not see this?" "Why didn't I do anything sooner?" "I've failed those that I look up to and I've failed those that look up to and depend on me." "If I can allow something like this to happen, how can I possibly deserve this position?" These questions and thousands more entered my brain, it was like a dam broke and all the negativity that I thought I had eliminated came pouring back with exponential force.

The more I read and the more research I did the more I realized that I needed to be honest about my situation and I needed to analyze it. The core of my being exists to help others. I never considered the toll that it takes on me, I give and give and give. The more I analyzed the past several months the more things became clearer. I didn't see it because my focus wasn't on me (per usual), it was on getting my team where they needed to be. It was on trying to help two friends repair their marriage through all the pent up issues they both have. It was attempting to reconnect with family and through all that trying to put energy into my marriage. I had mentally spread myself entirely too thin. My focus was on so many different things that I never stopped to consider the impact it had on me.

Once I was honest with myself it was overwhelming and reassuring at the same time. It was overwhelming because I knew I had a lot of work to get back to normalcy but reassuring because I realized that a lot of the negativity I had wasn't created by others (my team, my supervisors) it was all in my head. I've conquered my own brain before and I can do it again. The more I thought about the next step the more it nauseated me. I knew that I needed to be honest with my supervisors. I had come to the realization that they weren't disappointed in me because of my failure to do the job (if they were they wouldn't have given me 4 new people). They were only concerned about my team and me, they person they put in charge of all of these important tasks.

The meetings I had with my supervisors was the most awkward I had in my life. I couldn't face them at the same time so I had to do it separately. I did this after I had identified the issues I was dealing with and my current plan on how to get back to normal. If I had done it beforehand it probably wouldn't have made any sense. I explained to them both what my situation was, the things I had identified as the problems, what I planned on doing to maneuver over this brick wall and said I'd give them updates as I had them. They both seemed relieved that I finally said something, I only assume it's because they knew something was up but didn't know how to help or approach it. I did make sure to include the bit about me feeling like I had failed them as a leader since that was more soul-crushing to me than just about anything else. They're reactions were very similar in that they assured me that wasn't the case and I was a valued member of the team. I left those meetings and felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I couldn't believe I had just done that and still had a job. I mean I could believe it because that's not the type of people my supervisors were and not the type of company I work for. If it were any other company I can tell you with a fair amount of confidence I'd have been walked out of the building as soon as the first meeting was over. This was weakness and they don't have time for that. Scratch that, it wasn't weakness, it was vulnerability.  

I created a plan. Keep in mind this plan is going to change as I go through it. This is just my preliminary thoughts as I'm going through things. Also, I recognize, much like re-wiring your brain, this isn't going to be an easy or a quick process. The articles I've read said this could take anywhere between 6 and 18 months and the longer the better because it's more likely to stick.

Phase 1: Identifying the problem
1. Analyze how it got to this point. What lies did I tell myself that contributed to it? What prevented me from being focused on recharging myself?
2. What "truths" am I telling myself that aren't contributing to my recovery? How can I re-frame these "truths" to something that's accurate and also contributes to recover?
3. What are you trying to accomplish and why?
4. What happens if you stop trying to accomplish and pour your focus into something else?

Phase 2: Renewal
1. Create habits that assist in recovery. Do SOMETHING daily that makes you happy. It need to be something that makes you genuinely happy, not feel accomplished. Being happy is a way to fuel your soul, accomplishments fuel your ego and at this point your soul is more important.
2. Since you've identified the problem, put your focus in how to alleviate the issues that cause the problem. In my instance it was a lack of time due to an abundance of questions from my team. So I created a process for them to follow that requires them to rely on their team rather than me.
3. Get a mentor, accountability buddy, someone that you're comfortable with and can talk to openly and honestly about whatever the issue is and someone that will help you through this process, even if it's just listening to you and letting you work through the problem on your own.
4. More good stuff to come.

Phase 3: Changing your thought process
to be determined

Phase 4: Maintenance
to be determined

This is all I have for the time being. I hope to have more great information on a regular basis.

11/18 update

Well today went surprisingly well. Started off with an early morning meeting. After that I got to spend pretty much the entire day with my team, helping them with issues and strategizing additional initiatives I want to roll out. I wasn't able to get much taken care of in the way of productivity but I think some days are just going to be like that: sacrifice a little productivity for some quality time with my team and honestly I think that's more important than marking something else off my "to-do" list. At the end of the day (Fuck I hate that cliche), what matters the most is investing time and knowledge in my team. Thankfully nothing negative to report which I couldn't me more thrilled about. I sure hope this trend continues.

Until next time.

11/16 update

Today I woke up with a sense of hope. Hope that things were looking up and I KNEW I was going to pull myself out of this. That didn't last long. I got to work with emails from the department manager asking for updates on three separate issues I had delegated out to be worked on, and they hadn't. One of which came through when I was helping someone on my team with an issue and another leader took care of it. I'm not placing blame on anyone but myself, but fucking hell can I catch a break?!?!

At this point I'm fighting against the current and just want to let go, but I can't, I won't. I'm not built for failure I'm built for success. I just have to climb this mountain and it'll be just fine. The only thing I need is a plan of attack.

1. Wake your ass up. Don't hit snooze and get back in bed. What's that extra 30 min of sleep REALLY getting you?

2. Better prioritization of time. Touch emails once and file away. Touch projects once and done.

3. Stop deceiving yourself. If you know it's something that needs to be done. Don't question it, don't put it off. Just fucking do it. If you need help, ask. If you can delegate, do it!

4. When you make a personal rule. There is no wiggle room, stick to it, otherwise you're wasting your time and energy.

Final daily update: the rest of the day went fairly well. I settled on the fact that I've fallen down as of late by getting in this rut and my primary focus needs to be getting my head in a good place before things get crazy in January. I need to do this for myself, my team and my career. While going through all this I can't lose sight of improving my marriage.

Phase 1: Acknowledge change is necessary

I've decided to switch focus on this blog. Rather than rant and rave about the things that piss me off, I'm going to turn this into a blog of personal discovery. So we'll see how it goes.

Over the last several months I've found myself in a bit of a manic state. There are times where I'm on top of the world and life is good. Then there are times (mostly these) where it's not so great and all I want to do is grab a bottle of wine (or whiskey) and cry. I've only recently been willing to admit this to myself much less anyone else. This routine needs to change. It's not healthy for my job, my friendships or, most importantly, my marriage. Let me go on record that things haven't always been like this. I love writing, reading, gaming, spending time with my wife, hiking, running, cycling, and working. But lately, the only thing I want to do is sit on the couch and go into a semi-catatonic state, and I HATE that because it isn't me. I'm the person that is ALWAYS doing or learning something.

I love to work. There is nothing like the thrill of being deep into a project when everything is lining up and all is right with the world. Let's call it a hum. The hum inside starts and you can go on forever. Over time, the "hum" became me and I was the "hum." I stayed so busy at work and when I got home, I'd work. I'd keep going until I couldn't anymore and then I'd sleep. The level of productivity in my life was staggering, but that's no way to live. Everyone needs downtime, especially my wife.

One day I left work, exhausted after yet another 12 hour day of feeling like nothing was accomplished. It was Friday and I wanted to ask my boss if I could come in Saturday so I could get caught up. But I knew in the back of my mind it would only be temporary because I had fallen in a perpetual state of being behind. I was behind in my supervisor duties because my days have been so consumed with answering questions from my team and other teams, scrambling to respond to emails timely, getting my duties handled, and figuring out to get my team more engaged. Suddenly, 12 hours wasn't even enough to get done what I needed to get done. How is it not enough for me but everyone else in my position was only working 8-9 hours a day? What was I doing wrong? Where had I failed and others succeeded? My mind decided to switch focus from these questions to how long I had been in this cycle. I couldn't remember. Was I having fun anymore? No, not really. The timing for this was the worst because I was still reeling from having discussions with my supervisor and the manager of the department looking for answers on what happened the month before (me and my whole team were extremely stressed and almost missed deadlines. WORST.LEADER.EVER).

After much reflection I came to the conclusion that I was in burnout mode, more than I had been since leaving my previous job. This was a huge revelation. How the hell could this happen? I have what I considered a dream job, I get to help people. But I didn't love it anymore and I didn't know why. I settled on the fact that I wasn't getting to do the things that I wanted to because I was so bogged down with other things. I admitted to one of my colleagues this fact and they knew, I didn't need to say anything. Fuck, how could I have been so blind. I'm so conscious of everything I do, how did I NOT see this? Like I tell my team, it doesn't matter right now, we need to focus on how to fix it, then we can focus on figuring out how to prevent it in the future. This is part of my fixing and prevention.

I'm going to document the process of rising above burnout, the resources I used to help me, and ultimately I'll use this to put together a general guide to help others that are in this situation whether it's work related burnout, home related burnout or whatever. I made the mistake of not documenting the process of changing my mental perspective from angry, self-loathing individual to the mellow loving person I am now and I regret it. I'm glad I put in the work to re-program myself but it doesn't help anyone else.

So here goes nothing. My intention is to write a post at least twice a week documenting what I've done to help the situation. My first objective is to come up with a 1 month and 3 month plan. This is going to include daily and weekly activities that will be my LAW until it becomes as regular as breathing. I'll post the articles I've read, summarize books that I'm reading, and include all the tools that I'm using to help with this. I know this is going to be a lengthy process and I don't expect anything to change overnight I just know something needs to change, because this is killing me. Until next time...

Value(able) Family: A Love Story

     What is a family? Is family the people we grow up with, go to reunions with, spent childhood holidays with 2 maybe 3 times a year? Is it limited to blood relatives, second and third cousins on your dad's side and aunt and uncles on your mom's side? Or is it more than that? I agree that the people we are related to CAN be considered family, but can also be excluded from it as well. In my opinion, I believe family is not limited to blood. Family encompasses all of those people whose company you enjoy and those who you hold dear in your heart.

     Growing up I was taught that “family” was those that you were related to, you didn't have a choice in this matter. Aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins alike. I didn't see things that way. In fact, the only people I truly considered family were my parents, my cousins Chris and Jamie and the few amazing friends I had. All others, truthfully, couldn't have been further from family. From where I stood the feeling was mutual and it really bothered me for a while, but I got over it and accepted it for what it was. The people I had in my life and genuinely loved, those people were my family, and I was fine with that. Its those people that will stay up with you when you are so depressed and so drunk you can't see straight but you know you are going to make it through the night because they are there with you. Those that will beat your ass before you set your uncle's field on fire one second and the next be crying on the porch because he felt so bad. Its those people that would do anything and everything in their power to make sure everything ends up ok and the way it should. Love, that it what makes a family, a family. It's that love that binds us together so that anything may be possible.

     It doesn't matter who they are, how they came into your life, or how far away they are, it is all trivial, the only thing that does matter is the fact that you would do anything you could to help them in their time of need, and they would do the same for you... all at the drop of a hat. In the past few years my family has grown more than I ever thought imaginable with “new” family and friends. I have truly been blessed with many amazing people in my life and can't help but to cherish them in all the ways that make them great. I can honestly say that without the family I had growing up, I wouldn't be here today. My childhood was nowhere near as bad as some, but when you're a teenager everything is life changing and every tragedy that happens is a nuclear holocaust. Then you grow up and realize it wasn't that bad and you learn to be thankful for the people in your life that love you, and I can't help but be eternally thankful for my family.

Used and Abused: A Welfare Tragedy

     This something that has irked me for quite some time. I have seen it firsthand and hear people brag about it like it is some badge of honor. I am speaking of the blatant abuse state and government assistance programs, more specifically the welfare system. My understanding of this system is if you have dependents and make below a certain annual amount you can qualify for food stamps, not to be confused with WIC, which is primarily geared toward low-income women with small children.

     Before I begin with my rant I need to clarify a few things first. Do not misunderstand my words, I am all for state and government assistance programs helping people who genuinely need the help. I simply feel like they would work better with certain provisions being made to their application and continuance policies. This post is in no way racial in nature it is about ALL of the gutter scum pieces of trash who do everything they can to take advantage of the system in order to sit on their asses (or lay on their backs in some cases) and leech off money they didn't earn.

     These programs are in place for people who have fallen on hard times and unable to buy food for their families. It is NOT for the hood rats that decide it's easier to have kids they don't raise properly than to actually get up and go to work like the rest of us. NO, its easier to have US go to work, pay taxes, struggle to pay OUR bills, and have the state take our tax money to give them $800 worth of food stamps. All this so they can either send their kids to the store for soda and munchies or sell the food stamps to someone who would actually buy groceries with it and spend that extra money on their drug addiction. Too many times I've been grocery shopping adding everything up perfectly so I'd be able to buy the things I need and not have to put anything back because I couldn't afford it and look at the cart in front me and see Bebe and her 9 kids with 3 carts full of candy, soda, chips, snacks, and a whole variety of junk food, not to mention the 2 cases of beer below. Everything gets scanned and she'll whip out her Access card (Modern food stamps so they won't get embarrassed) to pay for the food, but pay for the beer and cigarettes with cash. SERIOUSLY?? Our tax money at work, it's a wonderful thing isn't it, contributing to Bebe's kids obesity problem because she doesn't care enough about them to feed them properly. Or an even better example, going into the gas station to pay for fuel and standing in line behind 2 guys who are obviously stoned off their asses carrying 2 12-packs of Mountain Dew and a variety of chips and candy. The cashier rings everything up and he pulls out his nifty little state issued Access card. Feels so good to pay for munchies, I bet he sold some of his food stamps to buy the weed he just smoked.

     Florida recently passed a law requiring anyone who is to receive state assistance benefits must pass a drug test before receiving those benefits. GO FLORIDA!! This is something I've been saying for years. It may be costly at first but once the state doesn't have to shell out that $800 to crack addicted Bebe that just paid for several drug tests, and that is just 1 case. In my opinion the drug tests should be completely random and once a person pees hot, DONE. They are not eligible to receive benefits for 6 months and must attend a support group for the entire 6 months before being eligible to receive those benefits again. Oh yea, 3 strikes, you are out for 2 years, no exceptions. Should have stayed clean, time to get a job buddy.

     Which brings me to my next point, if you are unemployed and receiving state benefits you are required to do one of two things, either turn in 3 job applications each week (which will be followed up on) or community service 40 hours a week. If you want the money bad enough, the community needs your help equally as bad.

     My next point will be a little more difficult to implement but equally as effective. Company's like CVS have card that can track purchases on particular products so that one customer can not get more than a few of one particular deal. I propose the same be done with the Access cards but only to limit the amount of soda and junk food can be purchased in a one month period. For example, 2 cases of soda, 4 bags of chips, 2 boxes of cookies, and so on, the rest of the money, however, should be limited to only healthy food and basic necessities such as milk, bread, cheese and so on. By healthy food I mean raw meat, fruits, and vegetables. Remember these are on state assistance because they can not afford to purchase food on their own so do you really want them to be eating like shit the whole time? Also, by doing this it would help with the obesity epidemic in America.

Oh yea, if you don't like the these changes, too damn bad, get a job and learn what an honest day's work is.

Free Will: The Ace Up Your Sleeve

     A close friend of mine recently confided in me that she recently had an epiphany. Her epiphany was that she was getting older, because it was her birthday, but she wasn't happy. Everything was not fine with her life. “Today is the day that all my happiness fades” was what was spoken. No details were given as to what the actual problem was.

     I got to thinking about this. Is there no way that one can prevent fading happiness? Whether it be feeling like you are living day to day just going through the motions and routines only to end up where you started when you wake, or finding joy in nothing you do, there will always be an ace up your sleeve whether you know it or not. “The journey of 1000 miles starts with one step” is an old Chinese proverb that has been adapted to fit whatever culture or scenario that may be applicable, but holds true in every situation.

     When life has become nothing more than a stagnant puddle of routine all that needs to happen is change. Free will is the ace up your sleeve that most people take for granted. The fact that you are free to do as you like (within limits of course) and change everything. You can choose to change your outlook, routine, or mindset. There is nothing that is beyond your imagination. Once you get the ball rolling all you have to do is keep the momentum until you reach your destination.

     For example, a person who is overweight will never change unless they change their routine of fast food and keeping the couch from floating off. They've got to change what they eat, how much they eat, and instead of holding the couch down, trying beating the pavement into the soil, or making sure your bicycle is getting its exercise. Once the ball is rolling and that spare tire is shrinking, that becomes your new routine because there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that light is a beacon of determination.

     The first thing is you've got to figure out why you aren't happy. Whether its weight issues, family issues, work issues, social issues (or a lack of), or financial issues, the problem needs to be pinpointed. Once it is narrowed down you need to figure out the origin of the problem and how it progressed. If you figure out how it started you can do two things, prevent it from happening again and it may give a clue on how to undo it. After that all that is left is figuring out a feasible solution and implementing it. It is very simple, if there is more than one issue work on them one at a time starting with the biggest.

Nice Guys Finish Last

     There is an old adage “Nice guys finish last.” Typically, it only applies when getting women, sometimes it does but overall it doesn't, However, in just about every other aspect of life it does. From a young age we (and by we I mean most of my age group, ok maybe just a portion of my age group) were taught proper morals and values; i.e. Always respect ladies and your elders, hard work brings success, be honest, loyal, trustworthy and dependable, be humble, value your job and take pride in it, open doors for others, greet everyone with a smile, always repay your debts, be courteous... and lets not forget the golden rule that was pounded into our skulls and tattooed on our conscious: Always treat others as you would have them treat you!

      I recently read a story where a study was done and found that disagreeable workers (I prefer to call them assholes), make more money than nice people. Rude men make about $10,000 more a year where rude females make, on average about $2,000 more. How does that make any sense?

     Let's just say you are the epitome of niceness and go about your day smiling at people, holding the door open at the 7-11, stopping at a busy intersection to let someone out, bringing coffee and doughnuts for the office, taking on extra work to ease a co-worker's burden, loaning the warehouse guy $20 until payday so that he can buy his kid some diapers (or you can feel free to insert any sob story you prefer), working late to make sure all of you, and your co-workers work get done, and going home to a room mate, who is also your best friend, that comes up with seemingly endless variety of excuses as to why he doesn't have the rent, but seems to have money to buy gadgets and toys. But you accept this out of the KINDNESS of your heart.

Let's just break this down, assholes make more, 95% of the people are NOT going to return that smile, rather look at your as if you are high, close the door in your face at the store, speeding up or getting on the car's bumper in front of them so you can not get through, NOT spend any of their money on coffee and breakfast for the office, odds are your loan will get repaid with the same endless variety of excuses your room mate gives you, no one would willingly take on your extra work, and you get to live your life getting stepped over, taken advantage of, and generally bent over and ramrodded as if Ron Jeremy was behind you.

     So where's the pay off? If you are nice and live a good life you get to have a clear conscious that you did all you could to help others? Maybe this sounds selfish, but what about me? Where is the joy in this selfless and, for the most part, thankless existence? I get a clear conscious that what I am doing is the right thing. If that nagging little bastard didn't exist then I could spend my money on an endless array of new toys and gadgets, just as long as I paid my rent and electric. I could bleed the welfare system dry as I sit on my ass, get high/drunk and play Xbox all day while my baby mama's take care of our kids. Hell I could do whatever I wanted. BUT my parents didn't raise me to be an irresponsible disrespectful ghetto piece of trash like what lives next to me. Thanks mom and dad, life could have been so much easier for me, but I'm glad you taught me what you did, I am a better person for it.

http://jobs.aol.com/articles/2011/08/15/study-rude-employees-out-earn-their-nicer-colleagues/