Sunday, June 14, 2020

Change

In the past 4 months so much has changed I'm not even sure where to begin. COVID-19 aka the coronavirus has taken over the world while the US can't seem to collectively understand the actual danger of being out in public and not wearing protective gear because "freedom" and it's all a Democratic hoax while they're putting others at great risk. In the midst of all this, a white police officer essentially murdered a black man due to putting his body weight's pressure on the back of his neck and protests/riots of sparked up all around the world crying out for police brutality to end.

On a personal level, things seem to be getting better exponentially. In the past year, my wife and I have 100% paid off both of our vehicles, student loans and credit cards. In the coming year, we (hopefully) will have found a house we love and have enough in the bank to be able to pay it off. Then, at 36, we will have finally reached our dream of being debt free. Beyond that, we'll figure it out but as it sits right now, we're laser focused on making that a reality. 

Work is going well, I'm getting great reviews from my boss and we've got our annual department survey coming up that will give me anonymous feedback from my team, which I'm pretty excited about cause I feel like my team is in a really good spot. We're in month 3 of working from home, which is really weird because it doesn't feel like it's been that long. Not really sure when we're going to be back in the office and I'm ok with that. As long as I don't have to go to work and be fearful that I'm going to get sick and die or that I"m going to pass it on to my mom then I'm happy. 

I've taken up woodburning, which is a little different than anything I've done before. I'm not great at it but with time I feel I can get pretty good. Just wanted to post a quick update on where I'm at. 

My mom got great news in her last chemo appointment. They're recommending her to have chemo every 6 weeks rather than every 3 meaning the cancerous area is shrinking!!

That's all I've got for now. Until next time... stay safe, stay humble, stay true.

Sunday, February 9, 2020

Anniversary Week

2.5
It was one year ago today that my mom was on one side of the hospital a couple floors up from my dad who was on the other end of the hospital awaiting transport back to the nursing home where he'd die two days later. She was getting a biopsy on her lung to determine if she had lung cancer. Well, we all know how that story ends. She has another chemo treatment next week that had to be rescheduled due to snow. Little did I know my life would be entirely different in one year.

2.7
So today hasn't exactly gone as planned. I had planned on getting up, getting some inspiration and working on getting some writing done. So far all I've managed to do is get high type a few words a couple hundred time and watch six episodes of "The Magicians," wash two loads of laundry, wash two loads of dishes. While it's not what I wanted I don't regret it.

2 9
Yesterday was quite a bit of fun. My wife and I took my mom to a local craft show. We were there for a good 4 hours or so and then we went to eat afterward. I think we were probably out later than we ever have. She ended up leaving our house around 9 and she usually wants to be gone before dark. She let me know that she really had a lot of fun. We really did enjoy our time there. I got me to thinking about a lot of things. I really miss my dad. Even though be was frustrating and infuriating at times. I know he loved me, I know he wouldn't want me hurting like this but I'm not left wiht many options that don't end up in me being a sociopath. For the past two months I've recounted where we were at in the process of the disaster that was my life for a year and half. Today is the day that I found out my uncle had a heart attack. In the next four days I'll have not only finalized my mothers will, had my dad cremated, spoke at my dad's funeral, and ended up taking our dog to the vet because her heartworm medicine and it almost killed her. She spent the next three days on dialysis getting the medicine out of her system so it'll hopefully not scar her bran more than it already had.

On the plus side, I've started working on my btrilogy. I'm  starting with moving some things around. Rather than starting with Bag of Malice I'm going to begin the series with "Heart of Malice" and I'm working on getting the character and stories outlined so I have more of a roadmap to get where I want to go with it rather than winging it and hoping for the best. Also, I've decided that rather than  forcing myself to stick with traditional publishing I'm just going to self publish and continue to go that route and see what happens. I'm going to pour myself in work like I used to and maybe, just maybe, I'll get something done.

Until next time. .

Saturday, February 1, 2020

2020 Vision

Goal list for 2020:

1. Fully outline and draft "Bag of Malice"
2. Fully outline "Heart of Malice"
3. Fully outline "Abyss"
4. Fully outline "TBD Leadership book"
5. Drop at least 50 lbs
6. Lower my cholesterol to a relatively safe level if not a totally safe level
7. Purchase and pay off our house
8. Sell the current house
9. Ramp up our retirement fund from 5% to 10% (maybe higher if doable)

Now it's a matter of figuring out how exactly I'm going to accomplish all of it. What I do know is that I have 334 days, 48 weeks, 11 months.

I've downloaded and started using Scrivner to help organize my thoughts and writing into something that actually makes sense.

My wife and I have started making better choices with our food and eating out significantly less than we used to and we're cooking more regularly.

Now I know what my endgame is, I just need to make an individual plan for each of these to ensure I'm staying on track with my goals. 

Now let's make this shit happen!



Tuesday, January 28, 2020

1 month in

So we're 27 days into 2020. So much has changed but so much has stayed the same.

What doesn't kill you leaves you broken instead. If I heard anyone describe the previous year to me I'd look them dead in the eyes and ask, "How are you still breathing?" But when I look back I just shrug my shoulders as if it were nothing more than a minor inconvenience. Up until this point I don't think I've actually look at this situation from someone else's perspective. It is a miracle that my wife and I are still happily married and that I'm still standing and manage to smile even on my worst days. I thank my spectacularly amazing wife, my supportive family, my beyond loving friends, my wise mentor, and kick ass coworkers.

At this point I think I've spent enough time dwelling on and rehashing the past year. I've recently discovered a band called "Villain of the Story." In their song "Peace of Mind" there are a few lines that spoke to so loudly I almost broke down crying. "I'm done wasting away. This is the only way that I wll find, something near to happiness in this life. I can't remember that  had any peace of mind. I fought for this I bled for this. There is no turning back now. Finally I'm able to see the place I"m meant to be. I'm done wasting away."

That's where I'm at in this moment. Actually come to think about it there are so many songs that have really spoken to me this past year. Slipknot - Unsainted, Slipknot - The Devil in Me, NF - Paralyzed, NF -The Search, Godsmack - Bulletproof, Dream on Dreamer - Don't lose your heart, and so many more. If I continued I'd likely break 5000 words. Needless to say, music is a huge part of my life.

Day 2
For the past few days I've been re-watching "The Magicians" and so far I'm en joying it. I realize that it's nothing more than a distraction, just like all the video games. A distraction from work, from writing, from exercising, from everything. So I'm attempting to do some restructuring of my time. so that I prioritize the things that are important and de prioritize the unimportant things. This is how I intend on getting my goals achieved. This isn't really one of those new year new me things. I've taken the past 2 years worth of shit and came out the other end better than I've ever been. I feel like I've been owning it at work and have been more on point than I think I've ever been.

My mental state is less volatile to myself than it's ever been and as weird as it is, for the first time in my life I'm actually happier with myself than I've ever been in my life. Apparently accepting yourself is a huge milestone in life. I realize and have realized for the longest time that I'm capable of pretty much anything that I put my mind to. I just need to have enough discipline to be able to make that happen. What I know right now is that I'm done wasting time. I'm done sitting still. I'm ready to take off at Mach 3 with my hair on fire ready to bring that fire to the world.

Monday, December 30, 2019

Two days to 2020

So it's two days until the new year, a new decade, a new me. I know everyone has this whole new year new me crap. It's all bullshit. No one commits to significant change for themselves even if it's going to help them in the long run. But I'm at the point in my life where if I don't change I'm going to die. Maybe not in the next year or two but I'd definitely not live a long life. Not really sure why this is a shocker, it shouldn't be by the way I've treated my body the past 35 years.

So I've decided changes need to happen. I need to start eating better. Less fast food, less soda, less coffee. More exercise. More and better quality sleep. Better self care.

2019 taught me so much I"m not going to bore you with the gritty details but the thing I learned most of all is just how strong I really am. As my mentor has said, "You went through Hell, brother. But you've really turned it around." And I agree with every word. I combated it with legal drugs, loud music, an amazing wife and sheer willpower.

Christmas came and went. We cooked and had my mom up at our house. She was so happy when we gave her the laptop she jumped up and hugged both of us. I went to her house the following Saturday and got her Wifi and laptop set up and she was ecstatic. It breaks my heart to see her suffering like she is. I don't know what I can do that I haven't already done to help her. I've tried to set her up with as much success as possible. Give her the tools to cook for herself, give her technological comforts, check on her regularly, but aside from moving her in, which isn't an option based on previous experience, I am lost trying to figure out what I can do. I'll talk more about therapy in tomorrow's post.

Saturday, November 30, 2019

Thanksgiving and things

So Thanksgiving was 2 days ago. It was the first Thanksgiving for several things:
1. Having "family" Thanksgiving at our house
2. First since my dad passed
3. First Thanksgiving without going to my grandma's
4. First without going to her family's house.

This year has been full of heartbreak but if it's shown me anything it's that I, and my wife, can persevere through whatever comes our way and I am so thankful to have this woman in my life. She's brought about so much positive change in my life. She's the reason I stopped smoking completely, I stopped drinking so much and so regularly, started eating healthier, encouraged me to write my book, pursue a career in leadership, get help with my anxiety and depression, and helped me embrace my love for video games and horror movies.

With her I can truly be me and I'm so grateful for that. I've been in relationships where I constantly had to put on a good face and pretend to be whatever they wanted me to be. With her it's just me: all the good, bad and in between. There aren't enough good things to say about her. She's just absolutely amazing.

I'm not really sure where I was going with this post. As I sit here stoned, watching the 90s Xmen cartoon under my Ninja Turtle Snuggie like a literal adult child. Apocalypse is talking about cleansing the world and building anew and I find myself drifting off into a world where my decisions were mostly inconsequential. There's so  much weighing on decisions some days it feels like more than I can handle. But I power through and do whatever is necessary. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Seeing the results of a series of good decisions is one of the most satisfying things ever. Over the course of the last 10 years my wife and I made a series of good financial decisions and now we're only a few days away from being free from student loans. And I'm incredibly proud of us.

That's all I've got for right now. Until next time.


Monday, November 18, 2019

2 Years of Pain and Glory

2018/2019 were two of the hardest years I've had in my life. It tells a pretty messed up story that's filled with fear, sadness, grief, depression, frustration, anger, joy, triumph and success. But that's how life is sometimes, it just kicks you in the face and beats you with a tire iron while you're laying on the ground. Then for some reason you get on your hands and knees and gather the strength to slowly crawl away from the edge you were halfway hanging off. Then you gradually get to your feet and shuffle, then saunter, and begin walking. Faster and faster until you're barrelling full speed toward the green zone. The area where life is actually good. You're happy with your job and your life. At some point you realize, by some mistake or miracle, you've accidentally accepted yourself. All of it. Your flaws, your traits, your skills, your intelligence. All of it. This has been a crazy fucking ride.

I guess the best way to explain everything is to do so in timelines:

Feb 2018 - Oct 2018: My wife started having female issues. Shortly after telling me about her concerns we started having regular OBGYN appointments to figure out what was going on. Three months of appointments gave us a lot of ups and downs. For a period during all this we were both really worried he had ovarian cancer and was at risk for uterine cancer. Several more tests later we found our that it was a softball sized dermoid cyst on her right ovary. We scheduled the appointment for September and had it removed. The recover was pretty bad for her because up until this point in her adult life she didn't really ever require care from someone else. We both made it through and I feel like we made it out the other end stronger than we did going into it. June 30th 2018: Our dog, Daisy, had a pretty bad cough that morning. She had a cough for a few days but we figured since she gets coughs regularly we'll wait before taking her to the vet. After consulting with our friend we decided to take her to the vet. The vet did an xray and found that her abdomen was ridden with tumors and her lungs as well. Since she was 12, probably wouldn't survive chemo, and we'd be worried she'd pass away any time we left the house. So we decided to have her put to sleep so that when she went, she'd be surrounded with love and everything she deserved as she crossed the rainbow bridge.



Nov. 21st, 2018 - Feb. 13th, 2019: This was the day I got the call that my grandma and uncle had found my dad passed out in their front yard and they were at the hospital in our hometown. As it turns out he had cirrhosis that was brought on by heavy drinking with his pain pills. We all knew it was going to catch up with him sooner or later. He spent the next week and half in the hospital before being released into the care of a nursing home in our hometown to work on recovering so he could take care of himself at home. After about 4 weeks in the nursing home he basically made the decision to give up on himself. Throughout all that I was working with my mom to get her POA on him so that he couldn't make decisions that would end up hurting him. January was rough. Not only was it the busiest time of year for me at work but I had to put my emotions on hold so I could focus on getting all of the "end of life" documents together (Will, Assets transferred to my mom's possession, Medical Proxy, etc...) My mom didn't know anything about any of this, neither did I but at least I was willing to figure it out so she could look after my dad. I was working on getting their house ready for him to come home so it's safer. All the while the nursing home is talking to me several times a week giving me updates on what he's doing/not doing, making recommendations on his care, trying to help get him well. Jan. 30th I got the call from them that my dad was found unresponsive and they were taking him to the hospital. My wife and I got there as fast as we could. He was transferred to another hospital that night. He spent a week in ICU before I made the call to put him on hospice. When I came to the realization that he wasn't going to last much longer I starteed making funeral plans. After 2 days they transferred him back to the nursing home where he passed away less than 24 hours later.

Nov 21st, 2018 - Feb 13th 2019: During the course of my dad being in the hospital/nursing home/hospital and passing I knew it wasn't going to be easy but there were other factors that proved to further complicate things. Those factors were primarily my grandmother and uncle. While he was in the hospital in our hometown they were there every day harassing the nurses and basically telling them how to do their jobs. We stopped that quickly by requiring the hospital staff to ask for a code prior to being able to talk about his condition to anyone. We didn't give them he password because we didn't want them bothering the nurses/doctors. When he was moved to the hospital about 30 minutes away where he stayed for about a week and half they couldn't be bothered to come see him. But once he was in the nursing home in our hometown they were both there several times a week, which they should have been. The only issue I had with it is that they were taking what the doctor said and twisting it around to give him false hope, which, when the deadline they gave came and passed he would get angry and act out, causing additional issues for the staff. They were repeatedly overheard telling him he was going to be home in the next couple weeks, then he'd be home by Christmas. When neither of those things happened he was angry and lashed out. But he wasn't participating in his care (eating what he should, doing his physical therapy, drinking enough fluids). He'd just stay in bed all day and not really interact with anyone. When he went back in the hospital the last time they came up to see him once. When he passed neither one of them would cooperate with preparing for it because they informed me that he was going to be buried, they had already talked to the cemetery and his service was going to be at their church because he had already talked to his pastor about officiating it. That's not at all what my dad said he wanted. He told my mom that he wanted to be cremated and he had already talked to a funeral home about setting up a payment plan to pay for it, so that's what we went with and because it wasn't what they wanted they were furious. So I told them, that's what my dad wanted and what they wanted was of no consequence because it wasn't up to them because I was going to honor my father's wishes. Needless to say I haven't spoken to them since the funeral and don't really have any desire to.

Dec. 2018 - Current: While my dad was in the hospital the first time I started talking to my mom about stopping smoking because when he came home he couldn't smoke or drink anymore and if she was smoking it'd make it that much harder for him. So she made an appointment with the doctor to get a prescription for Chantix. While she was having her exam they heard something in her left lung that was a little concerning. Several tests and a biopsy later they determined that it was just inflammation. We got this news on Feb 8th, the day after my dad passed and we were headed to the lawyer to finalize paperwork on my mom's will and advanced directive. A week later she got a call from the doctor saying they didn't think they went deep enough with the biopsy and wanted to do it again. This time it came back as lung cancer. The determined that it hadn't spread and it could be treated with surgery so surgery was scheduled a week later on March 13th. They did testing on the lymph nodes in the piece of lung they removed and confirmed that it hadn't spread. She came to live with my wife and I for roughly 7 weeks after surgery because at that point she couldn't take care of herself. Lots of stress and frustration later she went home the last week of April. She had her follow up appointment in late May/early June and they found that it had spread to her lymph node that is just above the piece of lung that was removed. 2 weeks later she was scheduled for her first chemo appointment. The first doctor we went to basically told us that in cases like hers with someone her age life expectancy was roughly 16-18 months. We decided to do more research and went with an institute that specializes in treating lung cancer. They wanted to do 4 treatments then new scans to see the progress. So far she's handling chemo well. After the 4 treatments she had they confirmed that the area is shrinking so we're making progress and they want her to do chemo for another year just to be safe. She's on her 8th round and struggles to stay positive but I do my best to help her continue looking at the bright side.

Feb. 21st, 2019 -  Apr. 27th, 2019: A little over a week after my dad's funeral my wife and I gave our puppy we got in October her heart-worm medicine like we did every month since we had her. The next morning she was walking around like a drunken baby deer. After some research and contacting a vet tech friend of ours we found out that she was having some sort of neurological issue that likely stemmed from the active ingredient in her heart-worm medicine. We found out that she has a mutated gene that affects a small percentage of dogs and the medicine in her heart-worm medicine is toxic to her. So we took her to the emergency vet where she stayed for the next three days on dialysis to try and get as much of the medicine our of her system as possible. When she came home it was heartbreaking. She could barely walk, she had to be held up to eat, drink and potty. The worst part is that when she was "resting" she'd just stand in her kennel with her head pressed against the corner because that was the only way her head would stop spinning. It took her roughly 6 weeks to get back to normal when we were told she may never fully recover. So definitely time to count our blessings.

Mar 17th, 2019 - Sep 2019: I left the hospital after visiting my mom recovering from surgery. A little after getting on the highway I noticed there was a lot of traffic and everyone was stopped. So I slowed down to a stop about 2 car lengths behind the guy in front of me. A drunk driver can around the corner and slammed into me. Fortunately, I didn't hit the car in front of me but due to the force of the impact I was pretty sure my car was totaled. When I got my bearings I realized that the steering wheel and column had come off in my hand. Not really wanting to be holding it if someone hit the guy behind me I tossed it in the passenger seat. I called 911 and then called my wife to let her know what had happened. My shoulder was hurting pretty bad but all in all I was in decent shape. The officer got there, took both our statements and I ended up going to the ER of the hospital where my mom was at. After I was checked out I went up to see her since my wife had called her to let her know what had happened. The next day I had found a lawyer to help with my case and we started working on it. Roughly 8 weeks of therapy later, I was able to get around normally without pain pills or muscle relaxers. The case was finalized in September and I was finally able to put that behind me.
May 2019 - Current: With everything that was going on between my dad getting sick and passing, my mom getting diagnosed and treated for cancer, getting rear ended by a drunk driver, learning how get medical POA, wills, making care decisions for my father, hospice, planning a funeral, helping my mom make decisions for her own care, dealing with lawyers, all the while feeling like a complete failure at work. Over the course of 6 months I had burned through about a month and half of PTO. My team viewed me as unreliable and incompetent due to my mind actually not being focused on work. I was simply failing at life. I was just waiting for the next existential crisis to hit. What took me a long time to realize, despite the fact that my wife had told me several times, was the fact that I was on the cusp of severe depression. I feel like it's perfectly reasonable to expect some sort of depression to kick in. Up until that point my wife and I played an online video game called "Ark" pretty religiously with several friends of ours. At some point in May or June I had lost all desire to actually play. July was rough. Not only was I suffering but my wife was fighting her own demons.  It was at that point I decided that what I was doing wasn't working and I needed help. I made an appointment with a local psychologist and started taking Zoloft on a daily basis. I've been shocked by just how much of a difference they make. I mean it's not a cureall but it definitely helped give me th4e motivation to actually give a shit about anything and take a proactive approach to life. My wife and I decided that we wanted to go to more concerts, so in the last 4 months we've been to 8 concerts, took a 3 hour road trip to go get tattoos, are planning a trip to Alaska, Utah, and Vegas if we can fit it in next year, I'm going to weekly appointments with a therapist, and now I'm starting what I hope will be a daily entry blog in an effort to force me to write everyday.

On a side note, I'm doing better than I've been in I don't even know how long, maybe all my life As long as I keep moving forward, stay positive, continue growing and being willing to change, and work on just being a better me. If I can do that consistently then eventually I'll be the man my wife sees in me and maybe, just maybe, I'll believe it. But that's a story for another day.